Stop Overthinking

"The more you overthink, the less you will understand."

-Habeeb Akande

“I'm tired of being inside my head. I want to live out here, with you.” - Colleen McCarthy. Photo taken outside of Detroit, MI, 2014.

I used to spend a lot of time overthinking.

Trapped in that never-ending "what-if" loop, I'd stress about how intruders might access my apartment. What if I left the candle burning at home? Will the hissing radiator explode while I'm at work? What if I made the wrong impression at dinner last night? What if I talked too much, or too little? Sometimes I'd feel for my wallet or keys three times in the course of a train commute. It made my heart palpitate a little less. 

I'd often ruminate on nonexistent symptoms. What if I had a terminal illness? I'd self-diagnose a skin anomaly on Web MD until concluding that I must immediately seek a specialist. I'd visualize my death, create my will, divide up possessions among family members, and my plan my ashes to be scattered at sea, despite a propensity for seasickness. In this real-life scenario, circa 2007, I actually did consult a specialist who, after a physical evaluation, told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, and that I was worrying too much. At that moment, I didn't feel relieved. Instead, I felt like an idiot. 

I thought it was a normal part of life to decipher codes and hidden meanings everywhere. Doesn't every intelligent person do this?

Actually, no. 

At the times where my worrying reached its peak, I wasn't happy with my life. My unhappiness was caused by fear, which in turn revealed overwhelming, incessant worrying. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of failing, and afraid of my future.

Through analyzing my own experience, others' experiences, and through research, I've learned that overthinking is a symptom of the distressed and isolated. I've learned that fear can lead to social anxiety, and sometimes even avoidance of social activities altogether.

People who are afraid of social interaction have a tendency to self-medicate through various outlets, such as shopping, spending hours on Netflix, social media, or abusing substances or food. These distractions may help for a bit, but ultimately they mask our fear, helping it fester deep within our minds, until it explodes when we least expect it, destroying relationships and our health. 

When we feel that life is in disorder, we devote too much time to the negative. In fear, we overthink things, and we cling to solutions to the wrong problems. We dwell on things that didn't go well, and constantly think up worst case scenarios. Often, it’s a general lack of confidence that causes us to worry, or perhaps its that we feel that worrying will protect us from harm.

Yes, back in caveman times when we were hunters and gatherers, stress did actually protect us from harm, as in death via saber-toothed tiger. Fast-forward to present day, we still get the same stress signals, but from benign sources that aren't life threatening.

Now, at the prospect of failing, let's say, the written portion of the driver's test at the DMV, our hearts pump three times their normal speed, sending more blood to our limbs. Capillaries close down, sending our blood pressure up, so that we can theoretically "sustain a surface wound and not bleed to death. Even our eyes dilate so that we can see better" (Stress Stop 2009). Our bodies and minds have trouble telling the difference between an encounter with a saber tooth tiger and a multiple-choice test. 

There are ways we can help our bodies and minds acknowledge the difference. To combat overthinking   and overreacting, we can practice the following: 

1. Notice and appreciate our thoughts - If we take account of the situation, and put it into perspective, we might be able to understand the reasons behind our catastrophic thinking patterns. Some might suggest keeping a journal to chart the frequency of our negative thoughts. Once we pinpoint the reasons, we can take positive action to ameliorate our thinking behaviors.

2. Spend time outside - Nature has a way of soothing us, taking us back to simpler times. All is well when the birds are chirping, the streams are flowing, and animals scamper to and fro. Time spent on trail or camping might increase our confidence to a point where there is no room for worrying. 

3. Exercise - Studies show that exercise is very effective at increasing alertness, and enhancing our brain function by releasing natural endorphins, aka pain killers Physical activity can actually trick us into feeling happier, making us actually happier. 

4. Socialize - Seek out your friends and loved ones. Talk to them. Make meaningful memories with them. They can help you see past your worries, give you some perspective and alleviate your loneliness. 

5. Breathe - Take some time to breathe, in and out, slowly. This naturally reduces your blood pressure and heart rate, calming you down so that you can see clearly. 

6. Let go - Know that you can only control what you do, say, or feel. You can't control anything that happens "at" you, and you can't control what other people do. You are in control of yourself, so let all of those worries go! Be grateful for what you have, take action to ensure your immediate safety and comfort, and know that you will be OK. 

For more methods to overcome worrying, check out the following related posts -

Learn from Loneliness

Acknowledge Fear

Breathe

Unburden by Choice

Be Free

Creation over Consumption

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

-George Bernard Shaw
 

When I was a child, I spent my free time building forts with my brother. We foraged wood from nearby construction sites, acquired hammers and nails from the basement, and used power tools without consent. Adjacent to our dream homes, we sandwiched a small oven rack between some bricks, producing a small but effective stove where we roasted lunch meat to survive in our suburban Chicago backyard. It was 1993 and we were about 10 years old.

When indoors, we drew, sculpted, painted, and cultivated various amphibious creatures in tanks scattered throughout our two bedroom house shared with our parents and baby brother. We wrote stories, played endless games of Stratego, and were known to construct elaborate puppet shows, complete with sets, drapery, and lighting to entertain our parents during dinner.

We hit puberty, and our activities no longer fully aligned. He would go off with his friends, who would spend hours in the neighbor's driveway, perfecting their kick-flips, ollies, and riding fakey, while my best friend Julia and I played dress-up, and filmed intricate scenes based on the relationship between a girl and an eccentric gypsy, complete with commercial breaks. During winter, Julia and I were also known to don full snowsuits, pack two snickers bars each, and pretend to go ice fishing in the field behind our school. Our imaginations were at their peak.

As we aged, our collective creativity trickled off, mine nearly extinguished by the time high school was over. Adolescence had a kind of sobering quality; those years taught me that I would always be judged, and that others' opinions mattered. At least, that was my reality. My creative impulses became more secretive, isolated, and tinged with guilt. I knew I should continue writing, drawing, dancing, and playing piano - I felt guilty that I wasn't - but I also felt the magnetism of "adulthood" and "finding myself" and "real job." All these serious phases loomed over me, causing anxiety. Even though I wanted to grow up quickly and escape my teenage years, I also longed for a distraction. And, for a teen in the late 90’s, that distraction was the mall.

I discovered the elation of buying. The excitement of Anthropologie, which I felt was a store that truly spoke to me, due to its whimsical merchandising, artfully displayed clothes, and patchouli scented candles disguised as keepsake boxes. I didn't buy everything I saw. I was, and have always been, frugal and savings-oriented. However, visiting Old Orchard Mall on a Saturday afternoon was so much easier than facing the daily rigors of high school. I preferred to distract myself, losing myself instead of finding myself. Drifting in a sea of want, dazed by the anticipation of acquisition, and pacified by the instant gratification of a purchase. 

Most people find it much easier to consume rather than create. Creativity takes time, patience, and space to be inspired. Oftentimes, creativity necessitates isolation from our busy lives. None of these things come easily, as life can overwhelm us with increased responsibility. We long to revert to our childhood, a place of playful creativity, and eschew the anxieties of the present.

Instead of accepting the challenge to create or cultivate some aspect of life, we often find escape in our phones. We scroll through our news-feeds, and live vicariously through other people's lives. We switch to Instagram, where we absorb what has been labeled "digital crack" by The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, in one of their earlier podcasts. Succumbing to the anxiety produced by life's challenges, we pacify ourselves with various outlets of instant gratification. We do this at work, while commuting or waiting in line for coffee. Instead of connecting with ourselves, our tasks, and other people, we hide behind instant gratification.

Instant gratification is just that: instant, ephemeral, fleeting. Distracting ourselves doesn't help us to be better people. It only leads us away from our true selves and our goals in life. Instead of purchasing needless items, we can take account of the material possessions we already own. Instead of heeding the notifications of our devices, we can connect with those around us. It takes some effort, but it is very possible to access the creative impulses of our childhood.

When we understand the goals of creating and adding value to our lives, we will be able to focus on what will make us better people. We can find the strength to grow with each experience and moment, and to contribute to the world around us. When we find value in our lives, not our possessions or our distractions, we can add value to the world. When we create or cultivate meaningfully, we thrive.

How social media creates narcissists, and what to do about it

Let us emerge from our self-imposed cages.

Lately, I've been cleaning up my digital photos. The goal is to eliminate redundancies and bad photos, the latter of which are determined by small file size, low resolution, improper camera angles, and meaningless or confusing content.

As I began dredging my pictures, I noted a dominating presence of selfies. After a brief period of shock, self-loathing, followed by grim acknowledgement, I collected them all in a folder, labeled creatively, "Ali Selfies." In counting them, I found more than 1000! Why so many? What spurred this dramatic increase in documenting my face? I traced them back to their relative year of inception, 2004. The year I got the Motorola Razr camera phone. The year my first serious relationship ended. And the year I joined Facebook.  

At that time, Facebook was only available for college students. I was senior at the University of San Diego, and I worked as the Features Editor of The Vista. One day at the office, someone broached the topic of "another MySpace," and we editors became extremely intrigued. We were already frolicking on MySpace and AOL instant messenger, but we were thrilled at the prospect of yet another method to commune with our fellow undergrads. After signing up, we spent the afternoon poking each other and crafting witty status updates. We sent friend requests to our roommates, our boyfriends, our girlfriends. We wanted to "friend" everyone we had ever come into contact with. Facebook would feed our desperation for social interaction beyond university walls. Little did we know Facebook would prey on our insecurities and assist in our evolution as narcissists. 

Narcissism is defined as a "tendency to believe one’s self to be superior to others', to persistently pursue admiration from others, and to participate in egotistic thinking and behavior" (Panek, Nardis & Konrath, 2013). Numerous studies show a strong correlation between insecure, narcissistic tendencies and social media use. There's a very good chance that people who post self-promotional content, and those who spend more than one hour a day on Facebook or other social networks have issues with their self esteem. There's also a good chance that those who practice the art of the "selfie" or utilize social media (barring business purposes) are feeding into their own insecurities, producing narcissistic tendencies.

For individuals such as myself, aged 18-40 (the Millennial and Zennial Generations), taking selfies and using social media platforms may seem to be integral parts of life. We have an inherent need for attention, since we are products of the self esteem movement, emphasized by parental hovering, instant gratification, and meaningless praise. Social media feeds the need for instant rewards: it both creates and rewards narcissistic tendencies by providing an endless outlet for self-promotion. Once we acknowledge this generational trend, we can be aware of its manifestation in our actions, and make our acumen for social media into something useful, instead of something detrimental.

Before joining Facebook, I already had a rich (albeit detrimental) digital life on MySpace. I carefully curated photo albums of my travels, and posted highly Photoshopped profile pictures. I took advantage of the embedded music player and chose what I thought were unique songs on a rotating basis. One month David Bowie's Modern Love might play upon entering, the next month would be Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith, after that, perhaps some hip hop featuring members of Hieroglyphics.  I included something about how I only watch Coen Brothers films even though if you asked me what films they made, I could only name "The Big Lebowski."

By using both Myspace and Facebook, my self esteem rose and fell with each font change, each message, and each new connection. I hid behind the curtain of digital interaction. I thought that everyone would be interested in what I was doing, and I wanted them to know what I was doing. This was the essence of self-promotion for its own sake. Once I grew more aware of the reasons behind my digital habits, I became disgusted with myself. I quit MySpace in 2007. I quit Facebook shortly after. 

During my years of disconnection, I reconnected with myself. I got a dog and, through his companionship, I rekindled a genuine appreciation for solitude and nature. I went on long walks through forested trails without posting to social media. Instead of checking Facebook when I was bored, I put more time into planning events with friends and family, and into conversing in real time, sans device, with those around me. I put my time and energy into my Education Master's program where I received a near 4.0. I experienced entire albums on vinyl while exploring the not-so-secret world of craft beer. I began handwriting letters again. I resumed reflecting on my own life instead the lives of others.

It is 2016, and I have since rejoined Facebook. But, now I use it with awareness and moderation.  I try not to use my device as a distraction, even though this can be difficult at times. I've turned off all notifications, and only "like" or post something when I think the information is truly useful to at least a few of my connections. I am aware when I enter "social media loops" from which it is difficult to emerge. Through my trial, and my error, I have come to understand the true essence and purpose of Facebook: under the guise of "connecting with friends," Facebook only exists as a means to promote ourselves to others.

Some psychologists are calling the resulting self-promotional phenomenon "The New [socially acceptable] Narcissism." However, I don't think that narcissism should be a social normative in our society.  Extreme self-involvement should never be OK, and people should not abuse themselves as such on social media. Instead, we should be aware of the reasons we picking up our devices and losing ourselves to social media. We should know why we feel like seeking attention from others online. Above all, we need to acknowledge our offline loneliness, and overcome our fears of isolation and rejection. When we come to terms with our social needs, we can get to the heart of our insecurities, thereby emerging from our narcissistic cages.

Reflect

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Soren Kierkegaard*

I took this photo in 2009 while on a family vacation in British Columbia. We had been out all day, searching for humpback and fin whales: both had been seen migrating south for the winter. On our cruise back to the hotel, I caught my brother gazing back at the wake of the boat, losing himself in the ripples of the ocean. Maybe he was thinking about his career, what he would choose for dinner, or where the whales actually were - since we didn't see any that day. I didn't disturb him to find out. I could tell he was in a state of reflection.

Reflection is something that is overlooked in daily life. Unless we are relatively alone, on the ocean, staring into the blameless blue ripples of our seafaring vessel, we find it difficult and perhaps pointless to contemplate our actions. Why waste valuable time to essentially daydream when we have so many tasks that already occupy our time, and they only seem to increase as we get older?

Caught up in the daily "everything," we usually forget to listen to ourselves. Of utmost importance is slowing down and being with ourselves. It's good to pick the same time each day - I do this before I go to bed - to drift off into thought, and rethink actions and choices. Instead of merely thinking, you can choose to write in a journal, go outside, be in nature, or visit an art gallery. Art and nature are both very effective triggers for reflection, just so long as you are in quiet, contemplative solitude.

Questions to consider while reflecting: How am I feeling right now? What contributes to my happiness today? What am I excited about? What am I grateful for?

The benefits of reflection are boundless, since daydreaming and solitude have been meaningfully linked to increased mindfulness and creativity. Nicola Tesla - engineer, physicist and futurist - attested to this, saying "The mind is sharper and keener in seclusion and uninterrupted solitude. Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind." Faisal Hoque, author of Survive to Thrive, supports Tesla's claims about solitary reflection when he writes about the success of leaders and entrepreneurs, and how they are more able to "experience critical awakenings during self-imposed solitude."

Whether you are an entrepreneur, a physicist, or a blogger, your personal growth is born from reflection. If you make time to be alone and think about yourself, even 10 minutes each day, reflection can give you the courage to see the world differently, to see your life differently, and to commit to making the changes that you need to be happy. As the wise philosopher Kierkegaard* once said, even though life must be lived forward, it "can only be understood backwards." 

Wherever you are, be all there

Fix our Fragmented Focus

Wherever you are, be all there. — Ram Dass

Evident in almost every aspect of contemporary life, multitasking is the ability to perform multiple activities at the same time. In this day and age, it’s hard to be a stranger to multitasking, since our daily business necessitates it, and our limited attention spans require it.

Wearing it like a badge of honor, we take pride in multitasking, accrediting our success to its mastery. 

We liberally add “keen capacity for multitasking” to our resumes. We freely endorse these skills for our friends in LinkedIn. We boast openly of our ability to cook dinner, watch T.V., and read bedtime stories to our children while exercising on a stationary bicycle. While the bread is rising, we make phone calls to family, read blog posts, comment on social media, and organize digital files. We think: Wow! We’re doing so much! Multitasking helps us be very successful! And, we’re saving time!

However, studies show that when we needlessly divide our attention without clear goals, multitasking becomes rather questionable in terms of a valuable skill. 

We probably won’t remember the name of the protagonist of that children’s story, where we placed those files, or if we added salt to our meal. If we take on two unrelated tasks at once, it takes longer to mentally switch between these tasks. Like old-school computers, our minds have to close one program to open another, and this means we have to take more time to do things. Juggling programs also reduces the quality of our work, since we are not applying undivided attention to the task at hand. This causes us to waste time, and results in lowering our efficiency and productivity. Our over-stimulated brains become tired; consequently, we turn into poor decision makers. Our progress, our success, and even our relationships can suffer from trying to be more efficient.

The following are a few recent examples where divided attention produced unnecessary and disastrous consequences. An Indiana man was too focused on taking a photo while exploring Sunset Cliffs in San Diego on Christmas, that he forgot where he was and he walked right off a cliff. This man was so desensitized by years of multitasking that his mind failed to switch between tasks, resulting in a fatal mistake. Last year, two school buses collided, killing several students and a teacher’s aid. When it was revealed that the accident was due to texting, the guilty driver took his own life.

In addition to human casualties, multitasking can lead to a variety of other undesirable results. 

As our lives become more inundated with technology, we become increasingly distracted and more prone to mindless behaviors. Careless web-surfing, tweeting, and Facebooking can hinder our progress, cause depression, or destroy relationships. Media multitasking can even occur at the at the dinner table, where families no longer speak to each other. Instead, they silently tap into their devices.

Multitasking promotes social isolation and can minimize productivity.

Regardless of its bad reputation, this suspect skill remains in good favor by many. Studies show that people who multitask might be better at dealing with distractions and coping with chaotic situations. Switching between tasks may prevent boredom, and may allow people to succeed in pursuing multiple projects with multiple deadlines. This all sounds very good; however, just as many studies indicate, multitasking can minimize our productivity when misdirected (as it often is).

Since multitasking is part of our natural sphere of life, we need to understand how to use multitasking to our advantage, instead of our disadvantage. 

We need to be aware of when we are multitasking and if it is truly assisting our productivity, or if it is taking away from our quality of life. We need to understand the purpose of each of our activities, and set up targets for their completion. In this way, we form a meaningful connection between our daily engagements and our long-term goals. 

Our quality of life is directly linked to the fulfillment of our goals, but we can’t accomplish anything of substance if our focus is fragmented. To truly benefit from our daily activities, our conversations, and our opportunities to connect meaningfully with one another, we need to narrow our focus. 

Regardless of what we are doing, to fully reap the benefits, we need to be all there.

Welcome the Unexpected

We may not be aware of it, but we always have a chair pulled out for the surprising demands of our hearts.

Happiness, loneliness, fear, sadness, anger — each comes as an unexpected guest. Each moment contains a new arrival. Instead of turning them away, according to the Sufi poet Rumi, we should extend our hospitality.

We should “Welcome [unexpected guests] and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

When unpleasant forces enter our lives, we often shut them out. When we send these forces away, we have lost an important chance to grow. Instead, we should admit them as guests to our table, because they can teach us how to become more conscious human beings.

When we welcome, entertain, feed, and listen to our unanticipated emotions, we become better at regulating and respecting our feelings, and we aid ourselves in development as people.

Know Thyself

"Know thyself" - Socrates 

A new year has arrived, accompanied by new expectations, and, of course, new resolutions. In our glossy optimism, we set ourselves up for success, drafting lists and setting milestones so that we can achieve even more than last year. Regardless of our careful efforts, our best intentions may become our most haunting failures. We hide from our abandoned and forsaken goals under a blanket of denial. Sometimes, blinded by the allure of a better future, we fail to acknowledge our limitations.

The door to our dreams is hinged with poignant memories, important relationships, and hopes for days to come. This portal needs regular maintenance. If we consider our imperfections, we are more likely to understand why we failed. We can then change our ways, challenge our faults, and accomplish what we set out to do. In order to fully reach our destinations, we need to preserve our personal relationships with kindness and generosity. In this way, we not only practice gratitude but we also ensure the support of our loved ones. Sharing our goals with our friends reinforces our plans, thereby helping us take responsibility for our futures and mend the paths to our intentions.

For the new year,  before taking on ambitious resolutions, we should exercise reflection and humility. We should accept the challenge to know ourselves.

Thin Ice

We all stand upon thin ice.

We carefully navigate, stepping slowly, preserving ourselves from harm. In this way, we drift through our lives. We can choose to stay this way forever. The ice is thin, it's best to be careful. However, careful can lead to monotony, and monotony can keep us on this sheet of ice forever. One day is bound to the next, the next, and the next. No moments stand out over the rest, and our lives disappear with each choreographed step. Dare we leave the safety of our various shelters? Dare we take time to pause? Dare we choose to laugh, smile, or celebrate? Dare we break away from dated traditions to make changes, to create new memories?

We need to dare, to risk, to struggle, to brush with our own mortality in order to create meaning and affirm our lives. We need to shun the idea of straining the ice; we need to overcome the thought of perishing in the freezing waters.

Should we take care to tread lightly? Or, should we dance our way across?

Give Moments

When I approach the annual season of giving, I become anxious. So much shopping to do! So little time! What will I give? How much to spend? How shall I wrap the items? When am I going to do all of this? I get caught up with the stress of hurried acquisition, so much so that the items become chores, empty boxes to check off, instead of heartfelt manifestations of appreciation for my loved ones.

Showing love for one another shouldn’t be a stressful chore

Moreover, as I get older, I no longer have an answer for those who seek to know What do I want for Christmas? For several years, I’ve wanted the same thing. Nothing. Or, um, I guess some socks. Or, mid-day walks for my dog. Practical gifts like gas money, new tires, a food dehydrator, a flour mill. Useful gifts that keep on giving. However, Christmas gifts are not usually practical. For me, and I’m guessing for others, the joy of receiving gifts “for giving’s sake” is fleeting. Gifts always change back into pumpkins after midnight, reverting to ordinary objects, stuff of fiber and plastic , devoid of their previous glossed-on significance. With all details considered, the entire experience of giving — the purchasing, the giving, the gratitude — is cherished, not the gift itself.

Each year, I vow more and more strongly to break away from cycle of giving, for its effects are short-lived.

We should be giving each other long-lasting love, time, and experiences, rather than objects that are only momentarily important. This is hard to do for some, since love, time, and experience are not items that can be qualified, quantified, or purchased.

There is no evidence — real, “you can touch it” evidence — for love, time, and experience. We, materialistic by nature, need evidence of these concepts. Powerful experiences can result from from time spent with loved ones, and these experiences can be lived again and again in our memories. Memories linger in a different, more lasting way than objects can. In this way, new experiences and rituals can fortify relationships and make us feel connected, and alive.

Instead of engaging in intricate gift-giving ceremonies at Christmastime, we might think about creating new rituals that would bring about the same positive effects as gift-giving. Laughing. Eyes smiling. Emotional gains all around. Boosting of happiness. Elevation of collective mood.

I think we need to bring the focus back to relationships, not stuff, for the future can’t be created in the collecting of possessions.

Our futures are created in the nourishment of each other.

Find Yourself Lost

Gone are the days where we stubbornly refused for directions; gone is the anxiety caused by a missed highway exit. Lonely gas station attendants everywhere wait in vain to assist wayward travelers.  People are rarely late due to "getting lost," since personal GPS  devices are ubiquitous and necessary aspects of modern society. 

Gone is the necessity of finding our own way.

Since the advent of our awareness, our parents have painstakingly referenced complex atlases, gifting them to us for our birthdays, claiming "printed maps are the only true method" and warning us not to trust the Garmin. No one will forget how Dwight and Michael from "The Office" steered right into a lake because the GPS told them to. In this clip, Dwight and Michael show how "computers are trying to murder you." Of course, it's not as grave as that, but there is something to be said concerning the benefits to finding our own way. 

When we create routes and remember them, we are exercising an important cognitive function of our developing brains: the creation of mental maps. These maps tell us where things are in relation to each other and help us to orient ourselves. When GPS takes over, we stop piecing mental pictures together of where we've been, put less work into our maps, and we lose the innate ability to find our way. As soon as we take out our devices, we rob ourselves of an important mental task. Instead of allowing our minds to discover, we turn to our screens, blindly following the green path towards our destination. 

Studies show that people who consistently rely on GPS tend to have less gray matter in the part of the brain in charge of interpreting spacial information: the hippocampus. A small, weak hippocampus may indicate a greater risk for developing dementia, schizophrenia, and PTSD. In order to ensure the health of our minds, we should use our orienting faculties to the fullest potential. We can protect ourselves from mental decline by trying to be more reliant on our instinctual faculties for map making, and to be less ignorant of our surroundings.

Of course, it is impossible to be aware of everything that surrounds us, but it is important to remember landmarks, street names, unique aspects of our environments that, when contemplated, may help us become more thoughtful, interesting people. When we rely solely on devices, we lose the "chance to have a greater awareness of [our] environment,” according to John Huth, author of The Lost Art of Finding our Way, “It’s almost like depriving yourself of music, or a conversation with another person. There’s a richness that you’re missing out on.” 

Whether it's to defer mental decline or to enhance our lives, we should make an effort to be less reliant on technology to orient ourselves in the world. Let's try going somewhere without our phones. Explore a different neighborhood, and rely on street signs and landmarks. Commute to work with our phones in the backseat, signal off, and see what happens. For the extremists out there, take a trip to the back-country, and rely on those archaic paper maps, as well as those age-old orientation devices: the sun, moon and stars. In this way, we give ourselves an opportunity to exercise, strengthen, and grow. By practicing the lost art of self-orientation, we can enhance our minds and expand our souls. 

Unburden by Choice

The Burden of Choice

How choice does little for us, except to paralyze us into anxiety and inaction

Ours is a society of plenty. More than ever, ours is a community of prosperity, of abundance. With abundance comes the luxury of choice. 

Options are a good thing, especially for consumers. For example, there’s bound to be a type of jam or jelly for everyone in an aisle filled with countless jars of preserved fruit. Actively choosing to buy something like Organic Blueberry Lavender Jam adds to our personal identity and feelings of self worth. “Yes,” we say, “Organic Blueberry Lavender is our favorite jam. We affirm our personal preference when we choose it, and our unique choice makes us happy.”

Additional choices and options should naturally give us an advantage, according to psychologist Barry Schwartz in his book The Paradox of Choice. However, based on his evidence, more options make us less willing to actually decide on anything, or, if we do, we “end up less satisfied with the result of the choice than we would be if we had fewer options to choose from.”

According to Schwartz, choice does little for us, except to paralyze us into anxiety and inaction. We often turn to “denial, ignorance, and willful blindness” when we are anxious and overwhelmed by choice, or if we make the wrong decision. It is too difficult and time consuming to research all the options and we defer our choices indefinitely. We become fearful of choice, fearful of failure. We don’t want to fail, so we don’t choose; instead, we leave the supermarket without any jam.

In order to feel good about the decisions we make, we have to find ways to limit the options we must choose between. One way to do this would be to set up guidelines for each type of choice we have to make, and strict criteria to govern these selections, so that we can be satisfied with the outcomes. For instance, when we are faced with many options, we should break them into smaller groups and choose the best options from each of the smaller groups to avoid considering everything simultaneously.

To illustrate this technique with the jam/jelly example, we can lump the jams into categories, such as (a) jams with seeds (b) jams without seeds (c) jams with added sugar (d) jams with natural sugar, etc. This type of decision making, or “tournament-style,” was dubbed most effective in reducing the anxiety producing effects of “choice overload” in the MIT study “Reducing Choice Overload without Reducing Choices.”

In addition to categorizing our options, we should learn how to differentiate between important choices so that we can accurately designate the time and energy suitable for the particular decision. For example, purchasing a home should take a lot more time, effort, and energy than deciding what jam to purchase. Anxiety occurs when we misappropriate time to choices that aren’t very important in the grand scheme of life.

In order to find clarity and simplicity in a society of abundance, we must learn to reduce the burden of choice. This is essential in finding satisfaction with each choice — big or small — that we make. When we limit ourselves, we can devote more of our resources to the real business of living our lives. In this way, we can truly affirm our personal responsibility, our individuality, and our autonomy. 

When we reduce the burden of choice, we can truly be free.

Make Gratitude a Practice Instead of a Hashtag

#begrateful #sothankful #gratitude

These concepts are always trending. We always seem to advertise our gratitude for friends, family, colleagues, resources, and our health. And, we desperately want our gratitude to be validated by having others “like” our posts about what we are grateful for. However, gratefulness and gratitude aren’t things that can be accomplished by hash-tagging on social media.

Gratitude is not a trend, which by definition, implies it will only be around for a short time.

Gratitude is a practice. This means we must donate time and effort to gratitude, and employ self-discipline to create a habit out of showing others we are thankful.

When we make gratitude into a personal tradition, our perceptions shift naturally to allow more gratitude into our lives. We are more able to acknowledge that when people are nice to us, they are doing it on purpose, so that we can benefit from their “time, treasure, or talent." Recognizing when others are grateful helps us to feel good; moreover, it inspires us to do good things for others.

Gratitude helps us “see ourselves as part of a larger, intricate network of sustaining relationships that are mutually reciprocal." It is in this cyclical rhythm of thankfulness that we are able to really to feed the trend toward gratitude, so that this virtue continues to nourish our lives.

When we make gratitude a practice instead of a hashtag, we will able to flourish and thrive.

Learn from Loneliness

Do you like to be alone? Oftentimes, I do.

When I’m alone, I’m at ease. In my solitude, I’m free to be my authentic self. And, even though I could just be comfortably hanging out in my living room, I feel like I’m away from the constraints of society.

When we are comfortable and happy in our alone-ness, we can use the situation to reflect on life and use it as an opportunity to experience growth. However, many people aren’t happy being alone. Instead of feeling alone, they feel lonely.

Loneliness is something very different than being alone.

When we are lonely, we are not reflecting on our lives with growth and mindfulness. We are not at ease with ourselves, and we are not free.

Loneliness, when allowed to take hold and fester, can cause anxiety and depression, as well as an array of physical ailments leading to poor health and a shorter life expectancy. Instead of encountering truths and experiencing growth, loneliness gives way "to the perverse, the illicit, the absurd" (Thomans Mann, Death in Venice and Other Tales).

Loneliness does not imply alone-ness. We can be lonely even when we are surrounded by people.

Loneliness is an emotion that can be experienced suddenly, or over time. The abrupt loss of a loved one, a job, or a marriage can initiate sudden feelings of isolation and hopelessness. Gradual loneliness is caused by our tendency to self-isolate because our expectations of others may be too high, or we might not be able to withstand the social stress of communicating with others.

If, after a period of self isolation, we do initiate contact or have the occasion to,  we sometimes end up scrutinizing others' behaviors towards us. We think that their benevolent interactions are fake or forced. This produces anger and fear, causing us withdraw into our loneliness even more. In this way, loneliness has the potential to alter our perception. It is very difficult to climb out of a pit of despair, where we are emotionally raw and feel that we do not deserve the contact of others.

In our loneliness, we begin to see the world as a negative place.  

According to Thomas Wolfe in his essay entitled "God's Lonely Man," loneliness is a "central and inevitable fact of human existence." When experienced, this emotion can be devastating; however, loneliness should be explored and understood before it is banished, because it can inform us of behavior patterns that we need to change. 

Loneliness forces us to make decisions about our lives. 

It is important to be aware of our emotional well-being, and acknowledge when we are feeling lonely. In order to stop our decent into the abyss of loneliness, we have to understand that change needs to occur.

Loneliness should be explored and understood

We owe it to ourselves to take action when we feel cast aside or unnecessarily isolated, even when we are surrounded by people. We should push ourselves and reach out to those who care for us. We need to reinsert ourselves into the work of friendship, where our social needs will be satisfied, and pangs of loneliness will subside.

When we force ourselves out of loneliness by prioritizing our emotional health, the quality of our lives will improve, and we will inevitably thrive.

Be a Friend

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." - A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Festival of India, Washington Park, NYC, 2013

True friendship, according to Aristotle, is one of the "highest goods," or virtues most valued in life. More than two millennia after Aristotle's death, people continue to prove that life is more meaningful when experienced with others.

After seeking freedom from society and from conformity, Christopher McCandless came to the realization that "happiness is only real when shared."

C. S. Lewis agrees, saying that friendship may seem unnecessary on the surface, but it is "one of those things that give value to survival."

When America Online started to serve the masses in the early 90's, the concept of friendship began its transformation. Instead of the noun "friend," we now usethe verb "to friend," as in "friend me on Facebook." This practice has reduced friendship to a passive networking activity, one where it is more important to be recognized as a connection than to actually be a friend. Driven by convenience, this trend dilutes what it means to truly be a friend, and the quality of our true friendships is suffering for it. We are postponing the maintenance of meaningful friendships, thereby treating friends as mere connections.

Conditioned by the ease of typing to our friends, we may wake up one day and find ourselves with many, many friends, but that we are utterly alone. This new method of friendship has turned us into solitary individuals, silently typing into devices, reaching for one another in a boundless, virtual world. 

Unfortunately, hyper-connectivity is here to stay, so our job is to develop the skills necessary to nurture our 21st century friendships in deserving ways. It is important to meet our friends in real time, and in real space, to nurture these relationships. Prearranged outings show that we are aware of our friend's importance, and that we value their time. Face-to-face interactions assist in building our relationships, and help us to validate each other by sharing activities and experiences. 

Meaningful growth occurs in these personal moments, causing us to reach out, again and again, for our friends.

Hiding ourselves in text messages, emails, and status updates does nothing to get us out of our "corners of the forest." As A. A. Milne points out in his stories about Winnie the Pooh, "we must go to our friends," because they give meaning to our lives. We must remember that true friendships take time and effort to nurture, and we must do the work necessary to deserve our friends. For after all, it is through the presence of our friends that we are able to thrive, and be happy. 

Peace of Bread

Bread is the most widely consumed food in the world, transcending culture, class, race, and ethnicity. Bread is the basic element of any meal. The ancient Egyptians, often cited as the “creators of bread,” used it as currency, and even placed loaves in tombs to accompany the deceased into the afterlife. In the same way, the bread of the 21st century continues to be a thing of ceremony: it is the first food item to be placed on dining tables, it is integral to the concept of a sandwich, and it symbolizes forgiveness, sacrifice, and love in religious celebrations. It’s no wonder that bread is a universal sign of peace and community.

In most developed countries, bread is sold in limitless shapes and sizes, for all diets, appetites, and purposes. Choosing a loaf can be an overwhelming task. To assist us, brands highlight health benefits on the packaging. We’re conditioned to look for maximum fiber, minimum carbohydrates, maximum protein, lowest amount of fat, and no sugar. To achieve these perfect loaves, bread chemists add bleached flour, GMOs, corn syrup, dough conditioners, preservatives, hard-to-pronounce additives, and even non-food items to their bread.

Perplexed, we gravitate towards organic or “all natural” companies for additive-free bread. We end up paying more money for loaves like Ezekiel 4:9 sprouted grain bread, “ancient grain” breads, or gluten free bread. We end up at bakeries such as Great Harvest or When Pigs Fly to ensure the presence of fresh, whole grains and fiber. We feel good about ourselves by supporting local businesses, but we have to go our of our way to do so.

If we are going to go the extra mile for quality bread, why not bake our own instead?

Baking our own bread goes beyond the health benefits: baking is akin to meditation, since bakers must follow multiple steps in a specific sequence. The peaceful repetition in the basic steps — the mixing of milled flour with course grains, seeds, nuts and salt, the blooming of the yeast and adding it to dry ingredients along with warm water, and finally the kneading of the dough — produces a calming effect. We pause and consider the care we put into things we create. We practice patience as we wait for the bread to rise, sometimes upwards of 90 minutes, and we experience elation when the aroma of the yeast and grains reaches the pleasure centers of our brains. The act of providing such a basic element of nourishment contributes to our overall well-being, and we experience a renewed sense of achievement with each successive loaf.

We can impress others with our competence, and create happiness with the simple gift of bread. By baking, slicing, and storing bread in the freezer for later use, we are rewarded by the peace bread can bring, again and again.

Click here for Everthrive’s recipe — Pumpkin Sunflower Flax Bread

The Potential of a Dream

Dreams most likely have no meaning. Their eerie combination of archetypal images and visions can be so incredible, and so moving, that when we wake up straining to recall them , clinging to their hidden lessons. Most likely, dreams are a product of memories and emotions we experience from our waking lives.

There is one thing we should learn from our dreams.

The purpose of a dream can be found in the luminous moment when we are both asleep and awake; when we cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality. It is in this moment that our dreams add to our creative faculties. Subconsciously, we take these luminary moments with us and harness them to our waking lives, producing spontaneity, fantasy, and inspiration.

When we blend the infinite possibilities of our dreams with our rational abilities, inanimate objects can be liberated, art can be born, and our souls can be set free.

"The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams. Because, if you can do that, you can do anything."

- Waking Life (2001)

Web of Belongingness

There was once an animal behaviorist who devised a theory about human needs. Through the study of monkeys, Abraham Maslow concluded that, in order to reach our full potentials, we have to belong. This basic need, above needs such as food, water, shelter, and safety, takes root in our need to feel important, and to see our importance reflected in the mind's of others. We have an innate desire to be socially acknowledged, and we maintain our social selves by chronicling our accomplishments on resumes and portfolios, and on social and professional networks.

We belong to families, to high school friend circles, to college societies, and to employment related groups. We assert our social selves in digital arenas, email chains, and text messages. We say "yes" to each wedding invitation, each Sunday brunch, each "friend" request, and follower. Our web of belongingness reaches further and further with each successive interaction, and our social needs, stretched thin, become more transparent and more difficult to define and satisfy. We are left questioning ourselves - How do we know when we are done belonging? When can we simply belong?

Satisfying social needs has become more complex since the 1940s when Maslow published his first book on human motivation. Currently, and very obviously, we not only have to satisfy these needs in our real world, but we must also satisfy them in a virtual world as well. The decisions we make regarding the need to belong have become limitless with all the available methods of communication. Often we worry that we may miss out on a social event of some kind, or a friend connection on Facebook, and we continually expand our reach. With every "yes" or click, there resides a hope that, finally, our belonging needs will be fulfilled.

Unfortunately, endless physical and virtual opportunities to connect muddle the definition of social "needs," and transform these needs into social "wants." Our progress is limited not only by the confusion between what we need socially, and what we want socially, but also by the simple fact that we often don't take the time to be grateful for the belongingness we already feel. Showing gratitude can help us to appreciate what we have, and help us to avoid superficial social actions and connections that accumulate into "wants." Maslow argued that if we demonstrate small acts of gratitude, and are thankful for what relationships we have, we will know more about what we truly need socially. We will thrive in our ability to "enjoy life in general and practically all its aspects, while most other people enjoy only stray moments of triumph."

Be Free

Free – adj: liberated, unoccupied, available to use.

Busy – adj: not free; occupied; unavailable to use.

These days, most everyone is busy.

Fully in charge of our busyness, we say “yes” more often than “no” in order to satisfy the need to belong, to maintain our self-esteem, to enhance our public image, to feel important, to be productive, and to be worthy of respect.

We are continually working on these goals, since they never seem to become actualized. When we achieve our target satisfactions, we naturally want to reach even higher. But, we never can really enjoy each new threshold, and are often left wondering, “Where did all our time go?” Each new season passes quicker than the last, and yet we feel as if we haven’t really done anything meaningful, since our busyness has resulted in less time for leisure, less time for self-reflection, and less time to "just be." These issues create anxiety since we know the truth behind being busy: busyness is self-afflicted.

Technology makes it very easy to afflict busyness upon ourselves.

Most everyone seems to possess a wearable “smart” device. Brian Krzanich, CEO of Intel, reemphasized our strong, personal desire to connect with robots and wearables: "Computing is everywhere in our lives today…That's what we want, talking to devices.” Wearables are undoubtedly useful in fields like health care, where they can send important feedback to doctors, thus improving the quality of our lives.

However, in the personal realm, constant communication via our mobile devices can negatively affect our quality of life. We often overuse our devices, and become accustomed to mindless multitasking. We compose emails while talking to our mothers on the phone, we shop online while marching up the stair-master, and we post to social media while out to dinner with our significant others.

Our devices may make it easier to satisfy our various needs during leisure time, however, the overuse of our devices may reduce the time that we are actually at rest, available, and free.

As our culture becomes increasingly linked to the virtual world, it is more important than ever to be available to ourselves so that we can affirm our place in the real world.

In order to be available for ourselves, we can do 3 simple things:

1. Construct definitive boundaries between ourselves and technology. One simple solution might be to create physical distance between ourselves and our phones, such as leaving them in another room while we eat dinner.

2. Another idea would be to turn off notifications to minimize interruptions.

3. In addition, we could monitor the efficiency of our phone usage, limit our unintentional phone use, or set "no phone time" by putting them away after 8pm.

Once we construct boundaries, we might discover that our schedules are a bit more liberated, that our attentions are a bit less occupied, and that we are a bit more free.

Click here for source content, "The Disease of Being Busy" by Omid Safi, 2014.

Give yourself permission to breathe

Give yourself permission to breathe. 

Has anyone ever told you just to slow down and take a breath? How did it make you feel? Depending on your outlook, maybe you reacted with confusion or frustration. You breathe all day, you would be dead if you weren't breathing, why is this person telling me to breathe? That's dumb.

Or, maybe you paused and really thought about the advice. 

Sure, I breathe. But, I'm rarely aware of how I’m breathing, since my awareness is acutely focused on other things. Like everyone else, I'm sometimes anxious. I often stress about work tasks, my “to do” lists, and infinite personal and family obligations. Provoked by the constraints of an average workday, I often stress about my productivity. I'm always tormented by the lure of technology and the seemingly urgent notifications of my iPhone. 

All this builds up and creates anxiety.

Research shows that anxiety can restrict our breathing, leading to us to take quicker, shallow breaths, resulting in limited oxygen absorption and a spike in blood pressure. Cortisol levels increase, leading to restricted circulation and decrease immunity.

In searching for quick fixes, I've found that meditative practices such as yoga can lower anxiety levels. I've belonged to at least three yoga studios in the last 15 years. Each time I tried yoga, I was initially open to it. But, mid-pose, instead of breathing, I began stressing about when I should breathe, or not breathe. When should I breathe in? What should I do while I'm breathing? Am I even doing this pose correctly? 

My mentality towards yoga as a cure for anxiety has never really worked for me. I was forcing myself to breathe and measuring my effectiveness against others in the mirror. I needed to change my mindset.

I needed to grant myself permission to breathe.

Henrick Edburg, in his article "The Power of Breathing," suggests taking two minutes away from the anxiety-inducing situation to focus on breath. I've found that two minutes is more than enough to find space when my world closes in. Anytime I encounter stress, or feel overwhelmed, I simply take one large breath in, and out. I do this alone, or in the midst of a work presentation or a lively gathering – no one can tell. I do this when I’m cooking, writing, or when I find myself stuck in an endless social media loop.

Now, I practice conscious breathing. 

Taking one deep breath helps us to consciously pause, reflect, and refocus our perceptions, removing us from the source of anxiety. After taking one breath, whatever was bothersome becomes a little less annoying, and definitely more approachable. We never have anything to lose by just taking one conscious, full breath.

There's so much to gain by granting ourselves permission to breathe. 

Pause

If you allow yourself to pause, you might feel love from an unexpected place. 

Most days begin in a rush, and end in a sigh of relief. What follows is a listing of an average day: At dawn, wake up, take out the dog, eat breakfast, get dressed, pack work stuff and self into vehicle. Then, weave in and out of the early morning rush to arrive at a destination where many hectic hours are logged, some things are accomplished but more “to dos” are discovered and logged for future days that aren’t hectic. Again, pack self back into vehicle, do the reverse commute, and end up home where the dog needs to go out, dinner needs to be created, eaten, and digested, lunch for the next day needs packing, laundry needs folding, and then there might be some time to connect with loved ones and read a few pages of that lonely book on the nightstand.

In a day's monotony, it is easy to lose yourself. Your actions - robotic, urgent, and repetitive - can limit your ability to feel present, human, and connected. One simple way to access your sense of self, and unique point of view, would be to press pause. 

In the middle of any task, try taking yourself out of it. Pause and focus on one aspect of that moment, and think closely. Consider it. This could be the whir of air circulating from your desk fan, or it could be the intricate lacing of ice on the windowpane. This tiny act of observation can allow for creativity to creep in, stimulating your imagination, and bringing your unique perception back to the surface. This helps you reconnect with your surroundings, and may kindle a sort of partnership with your environment. If you allow yourself, you might be inspired by some poetic aspect of your surroundings. On a particularly challenging day, you might just be reassured by the subtle affection of a common red standpipe valve.

-Everthrive

Click here for related content: Maria Shriver's USC address "The Power of the Pause"