It's Not Them, It's Us: Changing the Way We React, Cope, and Communicate

August 17, 2020 by Everthrive in personal growth

Effective Communication

Communication is one of the most fundamental skills we possess as society-bound creatures. Modern communication at every level (in person, over the phone, and digital) is important. I’ve always had a keen interest in the psychology of communicating, and I believe that we have an obligation not only to practice good communication on a daily basis, but also to understand where we’ve fallen short. We should always make improvements to our communication methods to better ourselves. After all, why wouldn’t we want to get the best results from interactions with others?

The reason behind this current discussion comes from a personal place. Over the past decade, I’ve felt an overall loss of true connection with friends and loved ones. I know that part of the reason for this is due to the fact that I haven't stayed in the same city for more than three years at a time for the past 18 years. Distance and loss of physical connection can surely change relationships. Another reason for loss of connection is that I, along with so many others, experienced a rapid period of growth in my twenties. Taking on "adult life" after existing so long under the shelters provided by parents and the education system can be stressful on any relationship. It's very natural for people to drift apart when “life” happens - I get that. But what if I could have done something about those lost connections?

Over the past decade, I’ve felt an overall loss of true connection with friends and loved ones. I know that it's natural for people to drift apart when “life” happens -but what if I could have prevented at least some of those losses?

I know that I’m not alone in feeling out of sync with others after life changes. When we're thrown for a loop, it’s good to remind ourselves that each new change presents an opportunity for growth and a chance to question and evaluate responses to change, specifically in the ways we relate to others and the ways we relate to ourselves.

Commonly, when we feel rebuffed by others, we think – What's their problem? What’s wrong with my friends, family, coworkers, boss, etc? They are not responding to me in the way I deserve. Why don’t they seem to be listening to me when we are talking face-to-face? Why haven’t they replied to my phone calls, emails, texts, status updates, handwritten letters? What is their deal? We blame their behavior on the stars, mercury being in retrograde, the rise/fall of barometric pressure, or we simply write these people off and choose not to spend time with them (see: "ghosting").

In actuality, nothing is wrong with these people. We can’t and shouldn’t blame them for their perceived failure in communication. The fault actually lies with us and the ways we communicate.

It's not them, it's us.

I am not claiming to be some sort of communication expert. I am still learning and growing with every interaction. And, in my journey to improve myself, I’ve practiced a variety of techniques that seem to improve how I relate to people and how I react to others who relate to me. In this article, I discuss how to improve in two different areas of communication: self-talk and interpersonal communication.

Self-Talk

Self-talk is the practice of talking to ourselves, either mentally or aloud. It can also be referred to as the ways we think about ourselves.

Take a moment and ask yourself if you engage in mostly positive or negative self-talk. Do you constantly build yourself up, or do you tend to let yourself down? Are you confident and self-assured, or are you scared, and self-doubting? If your style of self-talk is mostly negative, your negativity can be harmful to both you and others. You could be eliciting angry, needy, and insecure behaviors that will most like change the ways others communicate with you.

Negative self-talk can also prompt us to drag others down with us. We think, “I feel terrible, so everyone needs to feel as terrible as me.” No one wants to hang out with a negative person. Have you noticed how negativity can be contagious? Listen closely to how you talk to yourself. If you find yourself spiraling into a pit of despair, pause and consider how to change your way of thinking. Treat yourself as your own best friend, not as an enemy. Take a compassionate point of view when relating to yourself. After all, we must be able to positively connect with ourselves before we can successfully connect with others.

Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication is the term for the ways we exchange feelings, meaning, and information with others.

A basic rule for exchanging info with others (I shared this quite often with my tech-obsessed high school students) is to look people in the eye when we speak to them. Other basic rule is to face our bodies towards others when speaking to them and avoid crossing our arms, as this can be interpreted as being defensive.

Don’t be defensive — this is so important! I’ve learned that when mistakes are “never my fault,” they probably are my fault. I've also learned to shoulder the responsibilities of dealing with my mistakes. Oftentimes, we have the tendency to blame others for our own mistakes.

We should own up to our mistakes, learn from them, and move on.

If we think we’re not getting the results we expect out of interpersonal interactions or relationships, we should take some time to analyze our communication styles.

One way I’ve been doing this is to “check in.” I just go and ask the other person – How can I do better? Asking for feedback might feel weird or uncomfortable at first, but the other person will almost always appreciate the gesture and respect you for valuing the relationship.

We should "check in" with others as well as ourselves to improve our ways of communicating.

Other ways of "checking in" include asking ourselves:

1. Do I pry into people’s personal lives, spread gossip, or say mean things about people? Am I quick to judge people unfairly? If so, why might I be doing that?

2. Are my thoughts about specific people negative or positive? Do I complain a lot? If so, why am I complaining? Remember: no one wants to hang out with a complainer.

3. Do I raise my voice and talk over people in a conversation? Do I find myself trying to finish other people’s sentences? Why do I do this?

4. Do I talk down to people? Do I tell them what to do? Why am I being so bossy?

5. Do I talk “at” people instead of “to” them? Do I "talk back" to people? Why might I be doing that?

Checking in, digging deep, and asking ourselves "Why?" will really help us think about the ways we communicate and assist in our becoming better communicators.

6. Do I get upset when I receive criticism from others? Do I push people away who criticize me? Why can't I deal with criticism?

7. Am I able to tell people what I want or need in clear terms? Sometimes people want others to intuitively guess their needs. This often happens in married relationships or between family members. No matter how close people are, no one can intuitively guess a person's needs. Learn how to set clear expectations and communicate clearly about wants and needs to others.

8. Am I a good, active listener? Active listening includes paying attention and then demonstrating understanding by repeating key points later in the conversation. At the end of the day, people just want to feel like they are understood. Therefore, listening is actually much more important than talking.

9. Do I seek to benefit from a relationship without giving back? Why don't I reciprocate more often?

10. Am I constantly late? Lateness can be applied to many circumstances. A person can be late to a physical engagement or late in calling someone back. Chronically late people often have voicemail boxes that always seem to be full. If this sounds like you, ask yourself - Why can't I make others a priority?

Taking a step back and analyzing the ways we relate to others can help us have more positive interactions in the future. Checking in, digging deep, and asking ourselves "Why?" can really help us think about the ways we communicate and assist us in becoming better communicators.

Above all, in order to communicate in the clearest, most effective ways, we must first be willing to patiently listen to ourselves, as well as listen to others. When we truly listen, we don't just listen to parrot a reply. We listen with intention, we listen to understand, and we listen to be able to communicate effectively.

"Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words."

-Roy T. Bennett, "The Light in the Heart"

8 Great Reasons Why We Should Read Books

August 10, 2020 by Everthrive in personal growth

Since the birth of the smartphone in 2000, I’ve noticed how reading books has slowly taken second fiddle to streaming content on mobile devices.

Over 77% of Americans own smart phones, so it's without question that most of us gravitate towards the convenience of screens.

Fortune reports that more than 90% of individuals aged 18-49 read solely from a mobile device.

In addition, Fortune found that nearly 65% of all people read primarily from a mobile device, which is up from 22% in 2013. That number goes up as age decreases with more than 90% of individuals aged 18-49 reading solely from a mobile device. Today’s youth dubbed “Screenagers” read almost entirely from personal devices.

But, what is this “reading” on mobile devices?

Many of us readers rely on the ease of accessing millions of books on Kindles, Nooks, mobile phones, and other handheld electronic gadgets. We can easily transcend into fictional and nonfictional realms of our choice anywhere and everywhere. The universal access that mobile devices can deliver helps so many people access books when they otherwise couldn’t.

For some of us, and perhaps many of us (depending on the day/time/mood), the act of “reading” is limited to glancing over the latest news headlines, scrolling through Facebook status updates, skimming Instagram captions, or browsing through 140-character blurbs on Twitter.

It’s easy to understand how the act of reading print books has been usurped by the ease of reading on mobile devices.

Admittedly, print books can be bulky, they depreciate quickly, and they do not offer multiple layers of engagement like smart phones do. They also can’t be accessed by many with sensory issues, sight impairments, and other ability impairments. eBooks bridge the gap and allow for universally accessible material, which is so amazing. However, the act of sustained reading becomes more challenging when the book is delivered via smartphone. There are just so many distractions which make it so much easier to forsake reading in favor of passively absorbing mobile content.

My purpose here is to challenge you to ignore those apps. Don’t choose fast-food content over an activity that will actually improve the way your brain works.

Regardless of how you access them, it goes without saying that books have been the literary medium of choice for hundreds of years, ever since Gutenberg so wonderfully bestowed the printing press upon us in 1440. Smart phones and personal mobile devices have only been for a tiny fraction of that time - the first one appeared less than 20 years ago.

Books have seen us through generation after generation, taking us into the 21st century relatively successfully. Books have been loyal companions, calm supporters of knowledge, promoters of creativity, and chroniclers of history. Books are here when we need them, but if we don’t, they rest quietly and considerately in their designated places, waiting patiently to open up new pathways in our minds.

In contrast, apps and streaming services lurking in our mobile devices seem to constantly beckon us with their alluring notifications. Their hypnotic presence is hard to ignore, and it's easy to rationalize a choice to reach for a app over a book. I think it's time to compile some practical reasons why we should ignore the seduction of quick-fix content on our phones and revisit the realms of fiction and non-fiction, as they have so much more to offer.

Here are eight reasons we should be reading books instead of spending time on our mobile devices:

1. Reading books improves the brain, providing mental stimulation shown to prevent brain diseases. The increased brain activity that reading books provides keeps our minds sharp and agile, opening up new neural pathways and strengthening existing ones. In contrast, it takes very little work to scroll a news feed or watch television where the scenes unfold before us automatically with minimal mental exercise on our part. The more we exercise our minds, the stronger we become!

My toddler chooses a magazine over scrolling through social media while waiting in the check-out line.

2. It takes some effort to keep track of plots, characters, themes, and points of view in fiction and nonfiction. The work we do by reading a text can enhance our memory and critical thinking skills. In addition, while we are reading, we have the option to stop and think about what we’ve read, allowing for consideration, comprehension, and insight. This is different from watching a film or a TV-show, where we can’t always press pause to think about what we’ve encountered so far.

3. Everyone is always complaining of being stressed out. Well, sometimes we forget, but we really do have the choice to be relaxed instead. Reading is actually proven to reduce stress. Even reading for a period of only six minutes can take away more than 2/3 of our stress, which is more than taking a walk in nature, enjoying a cup of decaf tea, or playing video games.

4. Reading can improve imagination and creativity. While we read, our minds are responsible for creating corresponding images. As stated in #1 and #2, it takes a lot more brain power to read a text than to passively observe images on a screen. The extra energy used to create images from books strengthens our minds, making our brains stronger and more likely to resist diseases such as Alzheimer’s or dementia. All of this can make us more effective thinkers and more interesting, creative, and imaginative people.

5. Reading books can mold us into kinder people. When we read works of fiction or memoir, our empathy for others increases. By considering different points of view, and putting ourselves in other’s shoes, we are forced to think of people other than ourselves. This is so important for people at any stage of life, but it is especially important for children, since as children we see ourselves as the centers of our own private universes. Books can get us to go beyond our private concerns and help us to consider others.

6. Of course, it goes without saying that reading books can help us build our vocabulary and improve our writing skills thereby refining our communication skills so that we have a better chance at surviving and thriving in any society.

7. Books provide us with the choice to practice a sustained activity without constant notifications and the ever-present option to surf the web, check the social media channels, or engage in text messaging. While reading a book, we can sequester ourselves from the outside world and devote our full attention to one thing, which increases our faculties of concentration and focus. One of the best things about books is that they can be accessed without any of the detrimental side effects of the digital world. When we read from a book, we are less prone to the anxiety that accompanies clicking around on personal devices.

8. Choosing to read a book instead of diving into the never-ending world of our smart phones before we go to bed can help us sleep better. If we read a book instead of using a personal electronic device before bed, our brains (actually, our pineal glands) will be better able to secrete melatonin, a hormone essential for sleep. Melatonin is actually blocked by the photons emitted by screens, so when we use our phones before bed, we don't feel tired; instead, we feel activated and awake. Our quality of sleep can be improved when we choose to do something else other than reach for our phones.

As a former English teacher, this topic has always been near and dear to my heart. And, if you are a former student of mine, then you probably remember me going on and on about the importance of books and the detrimental effects of mobile devices and tablets when they are not used for the right purposes.

Every night, I read to my son, and also to the little baby growing inside of me. As soon as I start reading, Miles puts his head on my belly, and his little brother starts kicking. It’s beautiful.

Regardless of your knowledge of this subject or your affiliation to me, I'd love to know what you think about books vs. mobile devices! And, I'd love to hear what YOU are reading right now. Feel free to leave a comment below with your opinions and literary recommendations.

Here some of MY favorites from the recent years, followed by a list of what I'm planning to reading in the next months. All the titles are linked to their descriptions. And, you may notice, I tend to pursue anti-personal technology related titles.

Ali's Shortlist of Nonfiction:

The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to our Brains by Nicholas Carr
Reclaiming Conversation: Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

Ali's Shortlist of Fiction:

To Read in 2020:

Are you on Goodreads? Let's connect! Find me here.

If you'd like to see posts related to this one on Everthrive, here are some you might start with:

Breaking News: Phones Don’t Deliver Actual Human Connection

Put Down Your Phone and Live Your Life

Take the Slow Way

The Importance of Disconnecting to Reconnect

Be Free

Wherever You Are, Be All There

7 Reasons You Should Ritualize Your Life

July 06, 2020 by Everthrive

“Great things can be created by a series of small, seemingly insignificant elements brought together with intention and love.”

- adapted from quote by Vincent Van Gogh

I grew up in a small family. We dressed up on Halloween, ate turkey and cranberries at Thanksgiving, received presents and decorated a tree at Christmas, and hunted for plastic candy-filled eggs on Easter.

We went to church on Sundays, but we switched churches often. Sometimes we’d get on bikes and ride to Dairy Queen across town. Sometimes we’d take a summer or winter vacation, but not always every year. I was very thankful for these few traditions and fondly think of them from time to time. Yet, to me, everything in-between these larger events seemed just a little bit random. I envied my friends with larger families, who seemed to have numerous events and built-in traditions that could be counted on, day after day, year after year. I thought maybe having relatives in the immediate area was the key to creating and keeping traditions. But, we didn’t have extended family living nearby, or even within a day’s drive. We made do with our little bubble.

When I was maybe 9 years old, my favorite book series was “The Boxcar Children.” This was a collection of stories surrounding the adventures of four orphaned siblings who lived in an abandoned train car in the forest. I was fascinated with how these kids could create a life even in isolation, and they seemed to have fun. The series was accompanied by a cookbook, “The Boxcar Children Cookbook,” a collection of recipes the children cooked in the books. One recipe, “Canoe Trip Pancakes,” stuck out to me in particular.

It was such an easy recipe, and adorably written (see recipe above, step #2: “until drops of water…dance on the surface”) so I started making “Canoe Trip Pancakes” on weekends. I loved every bit of the process. I felt like I was harnessing the self-sufficiency of my fictional friends and adding more meaning into my lazy weekend mornings. I might have even done my own dishes! I look back upon this time with happiness, remembering my small, but significant effort to bring my family together with food.

Everyone seemed to like the pancakes, or at the very least they tolerated my need to make them. Sometimes my dad would chime in with some bacon and eggs, and we’d make a hodgepodge brunch out of it, drenching our plates with maple and boysenberry syrup, and defrosting a new canister of orange juice from concentrate (anyone else drink that stuff as a kid?) to wash it all down. It made me really happy that my pancakes brought us all together as a family.

Fast forward 30 years, and I have my own little family. Even though we are only 3, we are still a family bound together by love, responsibility, and obligation. But those aren’t the only elements that bind families together. Through my childhood experiences, and by observing the traditions of my friends’ families, I’ve come to understand that rituals are important for families to grow and thrive. I really want to make more use of traditions and rituals for myself and for my family.

The Importance of Little Rituals

What is a ritual?

Usually referred to as characteristics of a ceremony or religious life, rituals can be any sincere tradition that includes carefully ordered and well-intended actions.

Rituals are important because they are the glue that binds families together. The seemingly insignificant actions that make up rituals are given much more weight when combined with intention and love. In this way, rituals connect “the ordinary to the extraordinary,” making the mundane aspects of life more beautiful.

Is it too late to create new traditions?

Anytime is a great time to start creating rituals for yourself or for your family. I think that rituals might be especially important during long periods of waiting, such as what we’re experiencing now with the coronavirus.

7 Reasons Why You Should Ritualize Your Life

Rituals give us something to look forward to. They also help to mark the days as they pass, creating an ongoing way to structure our precious days, weeks, months, and years.
Rituals give us agency, and empower us to create our lives, instead of passively experiencing our lives. Rituals also reassure us that we’re on the right path, and they help us reflect on our journey, and self-correct if necessary.
Creating rituals between friends and family is a great way to make memories.
Rituals help with setting expectations, and the repetition of rituals gives us, especially children, a sense of security and belonging, in addition to managing our reactions to changes in time and season.
Through repeated traditions and rituals just for us, we can increase our personal happiness, satisfaction, and sense of well-being. And, if we are personally happy, this happiness flows to others.
Rituals and traditions aid in building a strong family culture, family identity, and family morale.
Finally, rituals provide us with a sense of renewal. Taking time for a intentional tradition offers us a break from our everyday routine, habitual existence. I’ve heard rituals compared to oases: a figurative place to rest on our life journey.

What simple, repeatable acts of love do you already have in place for yourself, or for your family? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the results of adding rituals to you life, or your family life. Please leave a comment in the box below, or send me an email at ali.everthrive.org.

Thank you for spending a bit of your day with me!

With gratitude,

Ali

Why You Should Consider an Adventure Honeymoon (video included!)

June 29, 2020 by Everthrive

With honeymoon highlight reel at the end!

We went on our honeymoon exactly 4 years ago. I’ve always wanted to share our experiences, but I hadn’t been able to make the time until now. This article is written with the intention of both celebrating our marriage, and sharing our somewhat unique experiences.

For our honeymoon in 2016, Josh and I didn’t choose an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. We decided not to spend 12 days on the beach listening to the ocean waves while receiving couples massages. No, we didn’t dine on crab legs and champagne at an Instagram-able 5-star restaurant.

Instead, we chose to rent a tiny camping van and circumnavigate the tiny Nordic country of Iceland.

When we discussed our plans with friends prior to departing, we were met with blank stares and confusion. “Camping around Iceland? For your honeymoon? Isn’t it covered in ice?”

Yes, well, why on earth would we choose to honeymoon in a country that’s known for ice.* Not to mention unforgiving volcanic landscape and an average June temp of 48F? Especially right after the flurry that is planning and executing a wedding?

*It should be noted that Greenland is covered in ice; Iceland is actually much more green.

Our reply: Why not?

It was June 24 2016 when we arrived in a foggy Reykjavik.

It was raining just slightly and was a balmy 52 degrees F. After shuttling from the airport, we rented a Snail vehicle, our little home as we slowly made our way around this special country.

The van freed us from the obligation check-in and check-out times at hotels and farm-stays: we could roam as late and as far as we pleased! Since we didn’t pass many places to eat, we ate prepacked dehydrated meals we cooked over a small gas powered stove. The 24 hour daylight afforded us unlimited opportunities to nurture our new marriage with fun experiences.

Since it often took 1-2 hours to drive to each new destination, Josh and I had plenty of time to immerse ourselves in the beauty and majesty of Icelandic nature. We made room for spontaneous pull-overs to check out vistas, Icelandic horses, hot springs, waterfalls, abandoned farmhouses, or to say hello to the sheep - they were quite literally everywhere!

Even though we didn’t choose to relax together at a tropical resort, we were still able to slow down and be present with one another.

Camping each night was a deliberate choice that we made; anyone can stay at a hotel and generally have a predictable experience every time. We slept under the Icelandic sky to bring us closer to nature and to have an amazing story to tell our children one day.

As with any type of honeymoon, we collected many special memories on our journey.

My mind holds specific snapshots frozen in time, moments that brought Josh and I even closer together. Some of these included eating fermented whaleshark at Bjarnarhöfn Shark Museum on Snæfellsnes, exploring an abandoned herring factory in Djúpavík (featured in a 2010 film by Sigur Rós), losing ourselves in the rushing water of Dettifoss (the second most powerful waterfall in Europe), and braving strong winds to photograph the sweetest little puffins we’ve ever seen.

Sometimes our experiences didn’t seem so great at the time.

Admittedly, things didn’t always go according to plan. For example, early in our journey, while we were searching for somewhere to camp, our van became stuck in a volcanic sand trap.

We were really tired, hungry, we were starting to get short with each other, and then we got literally stuck in what we thought was an impossible situation. Miraculously, we were not only able to trial-and-error our way out of that hole, but we also endured another grueling hour of hunting for a camping spot. It was almost 11pm when we were finally able to park and cook dinner.

In hindsight we are able to recall that evening with pride. We overcame several obstacles together. We saw how we both handled the stressful situation, and the result made us even more connected as a couple by increasing the respect we have for one another. Conquering tricky situations paves the way for potential opportunities to become better people, and becoming better people together is the best gift of all.

We’re proud of our atypical honeymoon, but it wasn’t easy. It took a considerable amount of planning, countless hours of driving on questionable roads, and some physically demanding hikes. And it was colder and more rainy than we had expected. At times, I really did wish I was at the beach nursing a piña colada and a good book.

Sometimes the best experiences come from working through hard times. Together, Josh and I built our experience from scratch. We certainly could have purchased an itinerary or tour experience from a travel company, but we chose to do the work ourselves in order to receive a greater reward.

Married life is not a long period of relaxation and curated positive moments. Marriage is a complex road of interpersonal interactions and a mixture of all sorts of experiences.

Marriages also take plenty of work! With our honeymoon, Josh and I wanted to celebrate our marriage, to satisfy our longing for adventure and exploration, and to commemorate the beginning of our new “forever” chapter. We marked the start of our marriage with a honeymoon that more closely mirrored the zigzag, up and down, character-building aspects of life.

Can’t typical honeymoons accomplish the same goals?

Of course “typical” honeymoons can also be filled with important, life-affirming experiences. For us, it felt right to choose the road less traveled. This decision led to the creation certain parts of our personal identities, as well as our identity as a couple.

What do you think?

I’d love to know your thoughts about choosing a honeymoon. For all you recently engaged lovebirds - what are you choosing to do to mark the beginning of your married life together? And the married folks - what type of honeymoon did you go on?

Please feel free to leave a comment below, or send a quick email to ali.everthrive@gmail.com. I can’t wait to connect with you!

Thank you spending some of your day with me.

With gratitude,

Ali

Reflect

February 24, 2016 by Everthrive

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - Soren Kierkegaard*

I took this photo in 2009 while on a family vacation in British Columbia. We had been out all day, searching for humpback and fin whales: both had been seen migrating south for the winter. On our cruise back to the hotel, I caught my brother gazing back at the wake of the boat, losing himself in the ripples of the ocean. Maybe he was thinking about his career, what he would choose for dinner, or where the whales actually were - since we didn't see any that day. I didn't disturb him to find out. I could tell he was in a state of reflection.

Reflection is something that is overlooked in daily life. Unless we are relatively alone, on the ocean, staring into the blameless blue ripples of our seafaring vessel, we find it difficult and perhaps pointless to contemplate our actions. Why waste valuable time to essentially daydream when we have so many tasks that already occupy our time, and they only seem to increase as we get older?

Caught up in the daily "everything," we usually forget to listen to ourselves. Of utmost importance is slowing down and being with ourselves. It's good to pick the same time each day - I do this before I go to bed - to drift off into thought, and rethink actions and choices. Instead of merely thinking, you can choose to write in a journal, go outside, be in nature, or visit an art gallery. Art and nature are both very effective triggers for reflection, just so long as you are in quiet, contemplative solitude.

Questions to consider while reflecting: How am I feeling right now? What contributes to my happiness today? What am I excited about? What am I grateful for?

The benefits of reflection are boundless, since daydreaming and solitude have been meaningfully linked to increased mindfulness and creativity. Nicola Tesla - engineer, physicist and futurist - attested to this, saying "The mind is sharper and keener in seclusion and uninterrupted solitude. Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind." Faisal Hoque, author of Survive to Thrive, supports Tesla's claims about solitary reflection when he writes about the success of leaders and entrepreneurs, and how they are more able to "experience critical awakenings during self-imposed solitude."

Whether you are an entrepreneur, a physicist, or a blogger, your personal growth is born from reflection. If you make time to be alone and think about yourself, even 10 minutes each day, reflection can give you the courage to see the world differently, to see your life differently, and to commit to making the changes that you need to be happy. As the wise philosopher Kierkegaard* once said, even though life must be lived forward, it "can only be understood backwards."

Welcome the Unexpected

January 15, 2016 by Everthrive

We may not be aware of it, but we always have a chair pulled out for the surprising demands of our hearts.

Happiness, loneliness, fear, sadness, anger — each comes as an unexpected guest. Each moment contains a new arrival. Instead of turning them away, according to the Sufi poet Rumi, we should extend our hospitality.

We should “Welcome [unexpected guests] and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”

When unpleasant forces enter our lives, we often shut them out. When we send these forces away, we have lost an important chance to grow. Instead, we should admit them as guests to our table, because they can teach us how to become more conscious human beings.

When we welcome, entertain, feed, and listen to our unanticipated emotions, we become better at regulating and respecting our feelings, and we aid ourselves in development as people.