How to Vote Mindfully

Politically charged times can be exciting for many of us.

When participating in political conversations and thinking about choosing the next president, the energy can be quite tangible. Many greet this time with great enthusiasm and vigor. However, if you’re like me, when thinking about the gravity of exercising our right as set forth by the 17th Amendment, you mostly feel anxious, restless, and lost in a sea of political media overload.

As we gear up for another election, we might feel that it is our duty to absorb as many news articles as possible. In our need to define and defend our beliefs as truth, and to feed our need to be shocked and horrified by other people’s views, some of us stay up late into the evenings absorbing information despite our stressed and sleep deprived states. We may know people who collect and respond to political memes and reply to comments on public Facebook posts, getting involved in online arguments with people they’ve never met before.

In politically charged times, we might say and do things that we otherwise wouldn’t have under different situations.

In our never-ending quest for truth, and in our need to shut down others with differing opinions, some of us may willingly create wedges and divisions, and incite arguments with our closest friends and family members. All of these actions and quick reactions accumulate in our minds and bodies. Over time, we may develop mental and physical ailments as a result of our politically-incited behavior.

In a recent survey of 800 people nationwide, many reported significant negative mental and physiological consequences of absorbing too much political media, especially by outlets that present false information or views different from their own. 25% of people reported that politics has led them to “hate” some people, and to “think seriously about moving away from their community.” And, about 15% reported remorse over things said in political conversations or regret about posting political content online.

It’s very difficult to be politically aware and also to be mindful of the damage the search for awareness may be causing. This brings up a question:

How can we define our political viewpoints and cast our votes mindfully while protecting our health in the process?

This is a challenging and nearly impossible feat. The best we can do is conduct ample research, know our options, and stay true to ourselves. If we adequately prepare for the task, and set up boundaries to ward off biased and false information, and pause before reacting to online posts, we will be able to greatly reduce our stress levels and reactive behaviors.

“Choose your leaders with wisdom and forethought” - Octavia Butler

Voting can be an open-hearted expression of what we care about. However, in this modern era of ample unreliable sources, how can we defend what we care about if we can’t trust the sources we have access to?

Know that your social feeds are biased, and that most popular news sources are funded by organizations and individuals who want you to think like them. Know that when you type something in an internet search, your query will be auto-completed in a specific way depending on where you are located in the country. Search engines also take into consideration our shopping habits, our political affiliation, and our browsing history (creepy!).

Above all, we need to keep in mind that popular media is always trying to sway our opinions, so it’s best to seek information from several different trustworthy sources.

But what sources can be trusted?

Click on the image to get to Google Advanced Search

When I was teaching research skills to high school students, I answered this question quite a bit. I recommended that when students want to find information that is reliable, reputable, and mostly free from scandal, they use Google Advanced Search, and limit their results to domains such as .edu, .org, or .gov. (But keep in mind, Wikipedia is a .org, and not a reliable source of info since users can edit it.) Surround your search criteria with quotations to limit your results, and then browse from there.

In choosing candidates mindfully, it’s a great idea to refer to government-issued information booklets, as they present facts clearly, without bringing up moral and ethical implications of candidates’ past actions. We can then make an informed choice.

Know that our friends and family will have differing opinions. Instead of jumping straight into defending your position, we can ask them to help us understand: “Help me understand why you support so-and-so.” Voting mindfully involves understanding other opinions. Knowing the reasons behind why your aunt supports an opposing candidate may help you both find a point of connection. Perhaps you’ll realize that you both value safety and security, but have differing ideas on how to meet those needs.

Voting is a private choice, but who we vote for has public consequences. Nelson Mandela famously said that it is in our hands “to create a better world for all who live in it.” Let’s heed his advice, and think about all of those who will be affected positively by our vote. Let’s get rid of our inherent bias towards negative thoughts and election-based apocalyptic thinking. Let’s instead look for the good, which can alleviate stress, ground us in reality, and help us see that no matter what happens, we will persevere.

“Every election is determined by those who show up.” - Larry Sabato

“Showing up” to vote means something a little different this year, as many of us will be able to vote from home due to the ongoing pandemic. Take your ballot to a quiet spot in your house. Breathe, and bring awareness to the task. You’ve done your research, you already know what issues you stand behind. Then, make your choice. Show up for 2020, and vote with the future in mind.

Go Forth, Under the Open Sky, and Listen to Nature

Many of you know that before I became a stay-at-home / work-from-home momma, I used to be an English teacher. I taught 10th, 11th, and 12th grade English at all levels. To be in the classroom, learning and growing along with my students was such a wonderful privilege and experience.

Every day I tried to teach my students what it means to be moderate, respectful, and kind to themselves and others. Through literature, I demonstrated that nature can also teach them these things. The material didn’t always align, but sometimes the units coincided perfectly and I took full advantage.

During the fall semester, my American Literature (11th grade) students explored works by Transcendentalist and Romantic writers. One of my favorite pieces to explore was Thanatopsis, a poem by William Cullen Bryant.

In the excerpt below, Bryant praises the nurturing, mothering aspects of nature. The poem is particularly comforting to those who might succumb to depression, boredom, and loneliness, bringing thoughts of nature's constant healing presence to the reader. The poet describes nature's "voice of gladness," and ability to take away the pains of a troubled mind with her "mild and healing sympathy."

To him who in the love of Nature holds  

Communion with her visible forms, she speaks   

A various language; for his gayer hours   

She has a voice of gladness, and a smile   

And eloquence of beauty, and she glides   

Into his darker musings, with a mild   

And healing sympathy, that steals away   

Their sharpness, ere he is aware...

In an era inundated with instant gratification, people - especially children and teenagers - try to find the antidote to boredom, anxiety, disappointment, or sadness in technology.

All too quickly they reach for their iPads, computers, or the remote control. Perhaps a tiny remedy can be found there, but it won't be a cure. It will be yet another distraction from an authentic chance to know themselves. Instead, if they go outside and contemplate the natural world, marvel at the change of colors in a tree in the front yard, or simply take their headphones off, they might be able to give their racing minds a chance to relax and recharge.

Studies show that even pursuing an "analog" activity, such as coloring, drawing, or writing in a journal would aid their ability to ascertain their true emotions and state of mind. This all applies to adults as well as children. 

Why does nature have this healing power? Why does everything get better when we walk down a secluded wooded path at twilight?

When we contemplate the natural world, we see the clarity by which we actually exist. We humans are secondary to the cyclical rhythms of the world. We see the flowers emerging from the earth, unfurling skywards, flowering, then falling back asleep until the following year. We see the sunrise every day, and the moon rise at night, regardless of the feelings that accompany our daily, human struggles. The stars will always shine, the birds will continue to sing. 

As long as we care for it, nature will always be there as a constant comfort, while other aspects of our lives come and go. The essence of nature's healing is in its everlasting recurrence.

We can trust in nature because nature always bares herself before us, offering what she can give, regardless of the season. It is through this relationship of trust that we can all - children and adults - come closer to trusting and knowing our true selves. 

Go forth, under the open sky, and list   

To Nature’s teachings.

-William Cullen Byrant

11 Different Perspectives on Living a Simpler Life

When I started out on my journey towards a simpler life, I wasn’t aware of anyone else who was attempting the same. It seemed most people in my life were interested in accumulating “more, bigger, better, and expensive” things. Impulsivity in spending was respected. Spending $40-$60 dollars on a single meal at a restaurant was normal, and having at least 3 cocktails was expected.

As I gradually loosened my grip on “things” while researching the “why” behind my actions, I came across a small but mighty group of individuals hoping to do the same. Some like Marie Kondo, Colin Wright, and The Minimalists stood out at the time (2015) since they had such a large online footprint and a vast catalog of tips, tricks, philosophies, and strategies.

After reading a few of The Minimalists’s books, and attending their live show in Denver (2017), I was convinced further of their authority on the subject.

But I was skeptical. These two men, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus are experienced speakers, business people, and know exactly how to market and sell their concepts. The same can be said for Marie Kondo, whose empire is built on selling people organization strategies and a “collection of items that spark joy” in her online store KonMari.

I couldn’t help but wonder - where were the “regular” people doing “minimalism”? Are there people out there who wear other things than jeans and black t-shirts? Where were the families pursuing simple living with young kids? Is color permissible? How many coffee mugs are allowed? Where does minimalism end and psychological disorder begin?

To my great relief, I’ve discovered and connected with what I like to call Realistic Minimalists. These individuals come from all kinds of family units, backgrounds, and some have very different ideas of what minimalism should be. They are all on minimalist journeys, with different goals, and different rationales/philosophies. But, they all have one thing in common: pursuit of Less in order to enjoy a life of More.

Through my Realistic Minimalist community, I’ve learned that minimalism is different for everyone. Minimalism shouldn’t be expensive; it shouldn’t be able to be purchased at the store. Our homes can be canvasses for our lives, reflecting our personalities, and they can be as colorful or as neutral as we want them to be.

I’ve compiled brief synopses of 11 different perspectives on living a simpler life below. Each of them offers a specific benefit to decluttering, reducing distractions, and choosing to focus on the essential. Whether you’re interested in simplifying your life, or you’re in the midst of a minimalist journey yourself, I hope you’ll find these stories inspiring in some way.

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What specific benefit have you experienced by decluttering, reducing distractions, and choosing to focus on the essential?

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Diana

When our daughter was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. I have always had a higher baseline level of anxiety throughout my life, but this was debilitating. I was overwhelmed. Through therapy work and a lot of soul-searching, I discovered simple living and minimalism.

Having less and doing less has become a form of medication for me - a balm for my soul. With less clutter in my environment, I have less clutter in my mind. This is not to say that our home and our schedules are always perfectly clear and in order, but owning less and learning to say “no” has created a buffer for our family. It gives us more space to slow down – more space for LIFE.

Diana is married and a stay-at-home mom of one, plus a dog. She used to work as a CPA in tax accounting, but decided to stay home with her daughter. She wouldn’t have it any other way. Visit her on Instagram at @my.slow.journey

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Amanda

My simplicity journey started during PPD after my 2nd child was born. I said enough to the stuff and started to find joys of a more slow, simple, & happy life. I have more space to focus on what matters now. I can spend more time with my kids and nature. Becoming debt free is real now because I am a more conscious consumer. I am so grateful for the little things. I am still a work in progress and I embrace that now. It’s a mindset shift that has improved my life all because I decided to get rid of some stuff.

Amanda is a former RN, now a stay-at-home-mom of three children. She’s always learning how to live more simply, and loves sharing her knowledge with others. Some of her hobbies include hiking, sewing, and going to the beach. Visit her on Instagram at @slowsimplehappy

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Crystal

I got rid of 85% of my closet, and now I feel lighter. It’s infinitely easier to pick an outfit to wear and I only own clothes I love. I kept clothes, accessories and shoes:

• in the best condition

• that I feel like myself in (true to my personal identity and style)

• that I feel my best in

I also got rid of excesses this way, so 3 black pairs of skinny trousers became: 

• one 3/4 pair of leather trousers with zippers &

• one pair of full length skinny jeans I don’t need a belt with.

I got rid of the third pair, which was similar to the second, but needed a belt and so I didn’t feel my best in.

Crystal is the founder of @thegourmetgorgeous, where millennials can find information on how to achieve optimal health through nutrition, fitness, and peace of mind. She left legal and international offices to pursue a life based on helping others and living simply. You can find Crystal on Instagram at @lovefreedomcrystal and @thegourmetgorgeous.

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Ang on the right, with her wife Sporty

Ang

Since shifting to a minimalist lifestyle in 2008, my wife and I have enjoyed numerous benefits. We have more leisure time and our finances are no longer a mess.

However, for me the biggest eye-opener came when I cleaned out my parents' home after helping them move into a retirement home. They had so much clutter! My biggest piece of advice for people of any age would be to consider the clutter legacy you're leaving behind. If something were to happen to you (it's a little morbid I know, but it's worth thinking about), would your family be left with an enormous mess to clean up? This article elaborates. And, my TEDx talk goes into a little more detail on what it felt like to clean out my parents' home.

Ang, a self-proclaimed minimalist urban hippy, lives with her wife in South Africa. She’s the co-founder of Mostly Mindful, where you can find a plethora of knowledge about what it’s like to pursue a life of less.

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Erin

It is said that if you really want to see the state of a person’s heart, look at their checkbook and it will show you what they value the most.

I would say that this was true for me only you could’ve seen the state of my heart better by looking at my calendar. It was packed with commitments, most of which I didn’t care about and several of which I hated.

Since becoming a minimalist, I’ve learned that what I truly value is my family. I value the increase in time I get to spend with them, the important memories I’m making with them, and the new experiences I get to share with them. When I had more stuff, and worse more commitments, I ended up placing all of those above what mattered the most to me, my family.

Erin is a Simplicity Coach at Starting Simple, where you can find her blog of helpful advice and strategies to minimize and simplify at any stage of life. She is a mother of three and lives with her husband in Houston, TX. Find Erin on Instagram at @minimalistmetoo.

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Zachary

Focusing on the big wins by decluttering and and eliminating the less important distractions has allowed me to create the kind of content and pursue the projects I most want to pursue.

Through minimalist habits, I’ve been able to write over 150 articles and record and produce over 200 podcast episodes while still making time for my career as an instructional designer and part-time philosophy teacher at the local community college, while also devoting myself to family and other interests.

To me, cutting out the non-essentials to get more time on the projects I love and the achievements I hope to reach is part of living a rich, full life. But it depends on being willing to cut out the clutter and the noise to have time for the things that matter most to me.

Zachary is an instructional designer, educational technologist, online educational content developer and author, philosophy instructor, poet, and podcast host, with nearly 20 years of experience in higher education, both in the classroom and in the education technology industry. You can find him on Instagram at @zacharyfruhling, as well as on his website www.zacharyfruhling.com.

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Mel

Reducing distractions and focusing on essential has freed up time in our day to focus more on family instead of the clutter that never looks clean. It has cut our stress in half.

Reducing the use of technology has help our whole family realize how much we look down at our devices and not at the world around us. We limit TV and tablet time usually to weekend. We keep our children’s minds on imaginative play. We also gave most of our toys away. Having less to play with has caused the children to play with the toys they do have.

Mel is a fitness coach who lives in Ontario, Canada with her family. You can find her on Instagram and also through her website.

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Sam

A clutter-free approach allows me to pursue that which is most important: family, food, fitness, fiddle, and French. These are my five focus points, and they are the foundation of my day. A simple system, my focus points help me limit distractions and act intentionally. With a clear understanding of the essential, I am better able to align my actions with my values.

A Boston native, Sam moved to Colorado in 2001. He is a violinist who performs throughout the state and teaches music from his home in the Fort Collins neighborhood of Quail Hollow (Sam is my next door neighbor!).  He has earned degrees in Music Education and Culinary Arts, so when he is not playing violin, Sam can be found in the kitchen enjoying plant-based creations with his wife Krista. Contact him via his website at www.colemusicllc.com.

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Rachael

Being surrounded by clutter the majority of my life has always been a stressor. Once I took the time to imagine my life and what I wanted to surround myself with, it became easier to let go of things I didn’t use, instead of just saving them for that “once in a blue moon” time. Decluttering is such a relief; it’s like a weight being lifted. I still have some work to do but minimizing is a life-long process. 

When I imagine my life, I not only think about the tangible but I also consider my daily thoughts. I’ve gained an unshakable faith that anything is possible by reducing any negative fear-based thoughts on the “what ifs.” I’ve found that it’s possible to be prepared for any challenge if I visualize a positive outcome. For example, I ordered baby gates without measuring the doorways. I was prepared to take them back but then they arrived and I saw that they both fit perfectly!

I’ve found by mindfully giving more focus on the “what could be” rather than the “what if,” life can truly be whatever I want it to be. I will always continue to grow and learn as others do the same. This life is all about progress, not perfection. It is my goal to live a life with less material things so I can have more adventure, live more sustainability, and gain more positivity.

Rachael is a 28-year-old, soon-to-be mom with hopes of reducing landfill waste, reusing as much as she can, and recycling by buying used and secondhand when possible. Fun fact! She is my sister-in-law, and our babies will be arriving only four days apart. Find her on Instagram at @trueoptimism

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Kelly

For me, living a more minimalistic lifestyle has had a drastic impact on various areas of my life.

My journey literally started when I was standing with a ginormous to do list in the kitchen. Not knowing where to start, I felt completely overwhelmed. I knew there was a better way.

Decluttering our home shortly after was the start, and from there I began to find more peace in my mind and our home.

I discovered a simple planning method that brought more peace and direction in my life that helped me to see how unrealistic I was being. Having less in our home helped me see I needed less on my plate too. Seeking less, and having less on my plate really helps to reduce distractions and encourage intention with everything I do.

Living minimalistically isn’t a “one and done thing.” It's been a journey. And I'll never arrive. It's one foot in front of the other and staying in touch with what matters most.

Kelly is a mother of four children and lives on the beautiful east coast of Canada. She’s a former elementary teacher turned stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. She enjoys helping busy moms simplify home life by learning flexible planning methods + skills. Learn more on her website! You can also find her on Instagram at @eastcoastkelly

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Dianna

Deliberately choosing to live with less has improved many areas of my life. So many of these benefits are intertwined. The obvious benefits have been a cleaner, more peaceful home, more quality time with people I love, more time to learn new skills and work on personal development, and more contentment and joy in each day.

I have the financial freedom to be a stay at home mom, we’ve been living mostly debt free (hope to be mortgage free within the next few years!), and I have more time and money to make healthy decisions like exercising consistently. Through minimalism, we are able to make better quality food choices, spend more time outdoors, and less worrying about trivial things. These benefits not only help me and my family, but they also help me to focus on my relationship with God, and save more money to give for the benefit of God's kingdom.

Dianna is on a mission to live a simple, slow, more laid-back life in this crazy fast paced world. She is passionate about a host of things, but for her, “it really all comes down to living a healthy, meaningful and purpose driven life that brings God glory.” She’s been on a debt free journey since her first year of marriage 9 years ago. Since her daughter was born 5 years ago, she has made some drastic changes to live a simpler life. Learn more about her journey here! You can also find her on Instagram at @slowonpurpose.

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Minimalism is a frame of mind. It’s different for everyone, but the concept is grounded on a decision to work toward a life that fits. A life that allows the inner you to shine. A life that somehow makes you shine brighter than ever before.

Do any of these journeys resonate with you? Perhaps you too have had a unique experience involving decluttering, reducing distractions, and choosing to focus on the essential. I would love to hear from you! Please leave a comment below, or email me at ali.everthrive@gmail.com.

As always, thank you for reading, and have a wonderful day.

Ali

Realistic Minimalism: where your office can still include shelves, plants, children’s books, and the regular ephemera of life.

Things You Probably Should Know about the Power of Music

An article about music might seem a bit off-topic for a blog based on slowing down and focusing on the important things in life. However, for me, music is a part of the important things in life!

All of our histories are highlighted by music in some way. Even if you don’t listen to music, and never have, I’m guessing you’ve been exposed to music via advertising, the radio, while browsing the aisles of your local shopping outlets, while dining at a restaurant, and countless other venues.

My history has been fairly rich with the presence of music. As a child, I grew up listening to my dad play guitar and piano, and compose his own music as well. My brothers and I all learned to play the piano. I was a member of a few choirs, and I chose to be in musicals for extra-curricular activities. I also took ballet lessons for a number of years - we were taught to allow the music to move through us, in order to transport our grace and fluidity to the next level.

As I grew older, and reached high school age, my friends and I devoured music on the radio, made mix-tapes, then CD mixes, and drove from the suburbs to downtown Chicago to see our favorite bands play in crowded, smokey venues. In my moody teenage bedroom, I would immerse myself in musical baths of my choice, depending on what mood I wanted to elicit. Its power over me was immense.

I was never without music. I had a Walkman, then a Discman, then an iPod, and now I can get music anytime on my smartphone. Music has always ornamented my life, highlighting certain moments, making some more memorable than others. Music, to me, is almost synonymous with memory. In fact, to process music, the brain uses the same processing technique as emotion and memory. 

Trying to remember how to play piano, Dad’s house, 2016

I listen to music less often now, but when I do, I still feel its effects, perhaps just as potently as I did when I was young. 

We humans have always sought music and art to express ourselves. By playing music, we celebrate life, we honor the future, and we mourn what has been lost. Music invokes memories from the past, transports us to different times and places, and makes us feel incredible joy. According to neurologist Oliver Sacks, “Music imprints itself on the brain deeper than any other human experience.”

Music is so influential that it has purportedly brought up birth weights in premature infants, elicited positive effects on plant growth, and aided in the recovery of patients suffering from brain damages. Music has also been documented in boosting performance in sports, improving literacy scores, and helping patients recover from heart attacks. 

Music is clearly exceptionally powerful. 

However, in addition to boosting our mental and physical health on many levels, music can also bring about negative outcomes, such as profound sadness, over-stimulation, hearing loss, memory triggering, emotional flooding, and distress. For example, studies have shown that music can create false memories, confusion, and anxiety in dementia patients who are hoping to recall their lost selves. Music’s adverse effects can multiply and snowball into potentially serious psychological and physical distress, depending on preexisting conditions.

Warped Tour, 1999

As a teenager and through my early 20s, I often used music as a way to escape instead of face reality. Music had a way of altering my mindset, causing me to view both the world and my place in it much differently. The music I chose to listen to, coupled with the circumstances surrounding my consumption of the music, may have had a role in some of the choices I made at the time.

Music has a way of putting us under a spell and forcing us to move against our wills. This can be clearly seen in the very young and also very old. Studies on older infants and toddlers show that when little kiddos hear music, they start to wiggle around and “dance,” as though moved by an unseen force. This also happens to the elderly, as seen in dementia patients, showing that music can make people say or do things that have no relation to reality.

Advertisers have been using music’s powerful effects to their advantage for decades. The familiarity of a song can have powerful sway over consumer behavior. Marketing and advertising firms (and other institutions that use music to rouse an audience) are very successful in eliciting a desired emotional response, and they are very aware of the type of music that might create it. For example, they know that certain major or minor key tunes can manipulate emotion:

“Different melodies, chords, or key changes in songs can elicit responses. For example, strings playing short and sharp notes in a major key were found to elicit feelings of happiness and excitement in 87% of respondents. Meanwhile, a shift from major to minor keys provoked a sense of sadness or melancholy in 83%, and 90% found acoustic guitar sounds to be caring, calm and sophisticated.”

From “Science of Sound: How music makes advertising more memorable”

Part of living mindfully is being a mindful about what we expose ourselves to. In addition to being aware of the effects of “too much” in terms of our digital lives, our possessions, our schedules, and our mental loads, we should also be aware of music’s powerful effects.

Music can wield incredible power over our minds, bodies, and emotions. To quote Stan Lee from Spider Man: “With great power comes great responsibility.” This power can do wonderful, beautiful things. Music has the wonderful ability of accentuating and enlivening our days, providing richness to our earthly experience, and ornamenting our realities, but we need to be aware that music’s power does not always work in our favor, and can actually bring about negative effects.

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I’m not a music scientist, nor am I a licensed psychologist, so the opinions above are my own, highlighted by research I’ve done. I personally find the effects of music to be very fascinating. What about you? What is your personal history with music? I’d love to hear what you think about any of this, or if you can add to the discussion. Please leave a comment below or email me at ali.everthrive@gmail.com

Packing a Life: A Study in the Benefits of Minimalism

What are we really doing when we pack our things in order to move someplace else?

The phrase "pack our things" seems so simple and straightforward. Monosyllabic. Three words. Action and results oriented. However, these words entail something much more than putting items into boxes. These words involve confronting the past, and setting a new course for the future. 

In June of 2017, I officially moved from Chicago, Illinois to Fort Collins, Colorado. Moving myself physically was fairly undemanding: I packed some suitcases, boxes, plants, and a few other miscellaneous items into my small hatchback before my dog Chauncey hopped into the passenger's seat with his tennis ball. I left Chicago at 4:30 a.m., and drove away from the rising sun. I arrived at 7:20 p.m. just as the last rays of light waved goodbye beyond the foothills. Having arrived six weeks prior, Josh waited for me in the driveway, welcoming me into our new life. As I mentioned, the moving itself was easy. I simply drove from point A to point B. However, the work done to make this move happen was a bit more calculated.

“The question of what you want to own is actually the question of how you want to live your life.” - Marie Kondo

When Josh and I were in the midst of dating, we sat together and discussed: what kind of life do we want? The answer to that question was easy. We want a simple life, an unencumbered life. A life where we are not held back by the physical and mental clutter of "things." In order to achieve our goal, we have to allow ourselves to let go of the sentimental material goods from the past, therefore creating space for a more fulfilling emotional life for our future. Eliminating the excess is important so that we can move into the space beyond. The space where we will live should be a place for nurturing the people we are becoming, instead of a feeding area for the spirits of the past. 

Packing and moving presents a special opportunity to evaluate our past lives, giving us a chance to shape the future.

Before the real packing began, Josh and I went from room to room, contemplating each and every item we owned. We've been living together for two years, so by now his possessions have become my possessions and vice versa. In turn, we carefully considered each piece of artwork, each kitchen accessory, each pair of sheets, and each clothing item.

We consciously evaluated our stuff using our own version of the Marie Kondo method: does this item make us happy? Has it proven useful to us over the past year? Will this item have a purpose and place in our new lives? Have I worn that dress during the last six months? Will he ever wear that t-shirt again? We queried what we owned by thinking about the life we wanted to share together. If the items didn’t make the cut, we donated or sold them, making even more room for “everything that remains” (The Minimalists).

Chauncey made the cut :-)

It is interesting to think about the action of packing and moving a life. The process involves just as much physical labor as it does mental labor. Packing and moving can be stressful and irritating, and people usually loathe the thought of moving.

Taking the time to donate or sell unwanted items can really be annoying and laborious. However, behind every stressful, irritating cloud there exists a silver lining.

By donating or selling our unwanted belongings, we’re getting rid of stuff that takes up unnecessary mental space and physical space.

We had a multi-family garage sale to get rid of a lot of our things. Took a lot of time and energy, but ultimately it was a success.

These extra belongings would therefore be taking up our time, and preventing us from living the best lives we can possibly live. Stuff is meant to serve us, not the other way around. Our boxes of carefully chosen belongings will continue to serve us in another location.

Another benefit to downsizing is that it’s a great opportunity for reflection. Contemplating the things we own and deciding which things deserve to be carefully concealed with paper and securely packed into a box allows us to revisit the past. The process is similar to turning the pages of the book of life: reflecting on bygone days while preparing for the future. When considered out of context, our boxes stacked the garage, ready to be "Tetris-ed" into our POD, are a snapshot in time. These boxes are a representation of who we are now, and a harbinger of who we will become. 

When we packed our lives, we examined our inner selves, completing a rite-of-passage into our new life together.  

Looking to the future.

After arriving in Fort Collins, we were able to revisit our belongings with a renewed sense of purpose. Each item that survived our selection process and arrived unscathed be the journey from Chicago to Colorado was integrated into our new home. However, just because our things made the cut doesn’t mean they are kept around indefinitely. As evolving minimalists, we try to incorporate decluttering and downsizing all year long. This habit keeps us future-minded. By clearing away the excess, we can truly focus on what is important in our lives.

“Minimalism is about getting rid of life’s excess in favor of the essential” - Joshua Fields Millburn

It's Not Them, It's Us: Changing the Way We React, Cope, and Communicate

Effective Communication

Communication is one of the most fundamental skills we possess as society-bound creatures. Modern communication at every level (in person, over the phone, and digital) is important. I’ve always had a keen interest in the psychology of communicating, and I believe that we have an obligation not only to practice good communication on a daily basis, but also to understand where we’ve fallen short. We should always make improvements to our communication methods to better ourselves. After all, why wouldn’t we want to get the best results from interactions with others?

The reason behind this current discussion comes from a personal place. Over the past decade, I’ve felt an overall loss of true connection with friends and loved ones. I know that part of the reason for this is due to the fact that I haven't stayed in the same city for more than three years at a time for the past 18 years. Distance and loss of physical connection can surely change relationships. Another reason for loss of connection is that I, along with so many others, experienced a rapid period of growth in my twenties. Taking on "adult life" after existing so long under the shelters provided by parents and the education system can be stressful on any relationship. It's very natural for people to drift apart when “life” happens - I get that. But what if I could have done something about those lost connections? 

Over the past decade, I’ve felt an overall loss of true connection with friends and loved ones. I know that it's natural for people to drift apart when “life” happens -but what if I could have prevented at least some of those losses? 

I know that I’m not alone in feeling out of sync with others after life changes. When we're thrown for a loop, it’s good to remind ourselves that each new change presents an opportunity for growth and a chance to question and evaluate responses to change, specifically in the ways we relate to others and the ways we relate to ourselves.

Commonly, when we feel rebuffed by others, we think – What's their problem? What’s wrong with my friends, family, coworkers, boss, etc? They are not responding to me in the way I deserve. Why don’t they seem to be listening to me when we are talking face-to-face? Why haven’t they replied to my phone calls, emails, texts, status updates, handwritten letters? What is their deal? We blame their behavior on the stars, mercury being in retrograde, the rise/fall of barometric pressure, or we simply write these people off and choose not to spend time with them (see: "ghosting"). 

In actuality, nothing is wrong with these people. We can’t and shouldn’t blame them for their perceived failure in communication. The fault actually lies with us and the ways we communicate.

It's not them, it's us.

I am not claiming to be some sort of communication expert. I am still learning and growing with every interaction. And, in my journey to improve myself, I’ve practiced a variety of techniques that seem to improve how I relate to people and how I react to others who relate to me. In this article, I discuss how to improve in two different areas of communication: self-talk and interpersonal communication.

Self-Talk

Self-talk is the practice of talking to ourselves, either mentally or aloud. It can also be referred to as the ways we think about ourselves.

Take a moment and ask yourself if you engage in mostly positive or negative self-talk. Do you constantly build yourself up, or do you tend to let yourself down? Are you confident and self-assured, or are you scared, and self-doubting?  If your style of self-talk is mostly negative, your negativity can be harmful to both you and others. You could be eliciting angry, needy, and insecure behaviors that will most like change the ways others communicate with you.

Negative self-talk can also prompt us to drag others down with us. We think, “I feel terrible, so everyone needs to feel as terrible as me.” No one wants to hang out with a negative person. Have you noticed how negativity can be contagious? Listen closely to how you talk to yourself. If you find yourself spiraling into a pit of despair, pause and consider how to change your way of thinking. Treat yourself as your own best friend, not as an enemy. Take a compassionate point of view when relating to yourself. After all, we must be able to positively connect with ourselves before we can successfully connect with others. 

Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication is the term for the ways we exchange feelings, meaning, and information with others.

A basic rule for exchanging info with others (I shared this quite often with my tech-obsessed high school students) is to look people in the eye when we speak to them. Other basic rule is to face our bodies towards others when speaking to them and avoid crossing our arms, as this can be interpreted as being defensive. 

Don’t be defensive — this is so important! I’ve learned that when mistakes are “never my fault,” they probably are my fault. I've also learned to shoulder the responsibilities of dealing with my mistakes. Oftentimes, we have the tendency to blame others for our own mistakes.

We should own up to our mistakes, learn from them, and move on.

If we think we’re not getting the results we expect out of interpersonal interactions or relationships, we should take some time to analyze our communication styles.

One way I’ve been doing this is to “check in.” I just go and ask the other person – How can I do better? Asking for feedback might feel weird or uncomfortable at first, but the other person will almost always appreciate the gesture and respect you for valuing the relationship.

We should "check in" with others as well as ourselves to improve our ways of communicating. 

Other ways of "checking in" include asking ourselves:

1. Do I pry into people’s personal lives, spread gossip, or say mean things about people? Am I quick to judge people unfairly? If so, why might I be doing that?

2. Are my thoughts about specific people negative or positive? Do I complain a lot? If so, why am I complaining? Remember: no one wants to hang out with a complainer.

3. Do I raise my voice and talk over people in a conversation? Do I find myself trying to finish other people’s sentences? Why do I do this?

4. Do I talk down to people? Do I tell them what to do? Why am I being so bossy?

5. Do I talk “at” people instead of “to” them? Do I "talk back" to people? Why might I be doing that?

Checking in, digging deep, and asking ourselves "Why?" will really help us think about the ways we communicate and assist in our becoming better communicators.

6. Do I get upset when I receive criticism from others? Do I push people away who criticize me? Why can't I deal with criticism? 

7. Am I able to tell people what I want or need in clear terms? Sometimes people want others to intuitively guess their needs. This often happens in married relationships or between family members. No matter how close people are, no one can intuitively guess a person's needs. Learn how to set clear expectations and communicate clearly about wants and needs to others.

8. Am I a good, active listener? Active listening includes paying attention and then demonstrating understanding by repeating key points later in the conversation. At the end of the day, people just want to feel like they are understood. Therefore, listening is actually much more important than talking. 

9. Do I seek to benefit from a relationship without giving back? Why don't I reciprocate more often? 

10. Am I constantly late? Lateness can be applied to many circumstances. A person can be late to a physical engagement or late in calling someone back. Chronically late people often have voicemail boxes that always seem to be full. If this sounds like you, ask yourself - Why can't I make others a priority? 

Taking a step back and analyzing the ways we relate to others can help us have more positive interactions in the future. Checking in, digging deep, and asking ourselves "Why?" can really help us think about the ways we communicate and assist us in becoming better communicators.

Above all, in order to communicate in the clearest, most effective ways, we must first be willing to patiently listen to ourselves, as well as listen to others. When we truly listen, we don't just listen to parrot a reply. We listen with intention, we listen to understand, and we listen to be able to communicate effectively. 

"Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words." 

-Roy T. Bennett, "The Light in the Heart"

8 Great Reasons Why We Should Read Books

Since the birth of the smartphone in 2000, I’ve noticed how reading books has slowly taken second fiddle to streaming content on mobile devices.

Over 77% of Americans own smart phones, so it's without question that most of us gravitate towards the convenience of screens.

Fortune reports that more than 90% of individuals aged 18-49 read solely from a mobile device.

In addition, Fortune found that nearly 65% of all people read primarily from a mobile device, which is up from 22% in 2013. That number goes up as age decreases with more than 90% of individuals aged 18-49 reading solely from a mobile device. Today’s youth dubbed “Screenagers” read almost entirely from personal devices.

But, what is this “reading” on mobile devices?

Many of us readers rely on the ease of accessing millions of books on Kindles, Nooks, mobile phones, and other handheld electronic gadgets. We can easily transcend into fictional and nonfictional realms of our choice anywhere and everywhere. The universal access that mobile devices can deliver helps so many people access books when they otherwise couldn’t.

For some of us, and perhaps many of us (depending on the day/time/mood), the act of “reading” is limited to glancing over the latest news headlines, scrolling through Facebook status updates, skimming Instagram captions, or browsing through 140-character blurbs on Twitter.

It’s easy to understand how the act of reading print books has been usurped by the ease of reading on mobile devices.

Admittedly, print books can be bulky, they depreciate quickly, and they do not offer multiple layers of engagement like smart phones do. They also can’t be accessed by many with sensory issues, sight impairments, and other ability impairments. eBooks bridge the gap and allow for universally accessible material, which is so amazing. However, the act of sustained reading becomes more challenging when the book is delivered via smartphone. There are just so many distractions which make it so much easier to forsake reading in favor of passively absorbing mobile content.

My purpose here is to challenge you to ignore those apps. Don’t choose fast-food content over an activity that will actually improve the way your brain works.

Regardless of how you access them, it goes without saying that books have been the literary medium of choice for hundreds of years, ever since Gutenberg so wonderfully bestowed the printing press upon us in 1440. Smart phones and personal mobile devices have only been for a tiny fraction of that time - the first one appeared less than 20 years ago. 

2011, Manhattan.

Books have seen us through generation after generation, taking us into the 21st century relatively successfully. Books have been loyal companions, calm supporters of knowledge, promoters of creativity, and chroniclers of history. Books are here when we need them, but if we don’t, they rest quietly and considerately in their designated places, waiting patiently to open up new pathways in our minds.

In contrast, apps and streaming services lurking in our mobile devices seem to constantly beckon us with their alluring notifications. Their hypnotic presence is hard to ignore, and it's easy to rationalize a choice to reach for a app over a book. I think it's time to compile some practical reasons why we should ignore the seduction of quick-fix content on our phones and revisit the realms of fiction and non-fiction, as they have so much more to offer.  

Here are eight reasons we should be reading books instead of spending time on our mobile devices: 

1. Reading books improves the brain, providing mental stimulation shown to prevent brain diseases. The increased brain activity that reading books provides keeps our minds sharp and agile, opening up new neural pathways and strengthening existing ones. In contrast, it takes very little work to scroll a news feed or watch television where the scenes unfold before us automatically with minimal mental exercise on our part. The more we exercise our minds, the stronger we become!

My toddler chooses a magazine over scrolling through social media while waiting in the check-out line.

2. It takes some effort to keep track of plots, characters, themes, and points of view in fiction and nonfiction. The work we do by reading a text can enhance our memory and critical thinking skills. In addition, while we are reading, we have the option to stop and think about what we’ve read, allowing for consideration, comprehension, and insight. This is different from watching a film or a TV-show, where we can’t always press pause to think about what we’ve encountered so far.

3. Everyone is always complaining of being stressed out. Well, sometimes we forget, but we really do have the choice to be relaxed instead. Reading is actually proven to reduce stress. Even reading for a period of only six minutes can take away more than 2/3 of our stress, which is more than taking a walk in nature, enjoying a cup of decaf tea, or playing video games. 

Balloons Over Broadway

4. Reading can improve imagination and creativity. While we read, our minds are responsible for creating corresponding images. As stated in #1 and #2, it takes a lot more brain power to read a text than to passively observe images on a screen. The extra energy used to create images from books strengthens our minds, making our brains stronger and more likely to resist diseases such as Alzheimer’s or dementia. All of this can make us more effective thinkers and more interesting, creative, and imaginative people.

5. Reading books can mold us into kinder people. When we read works of fiction or memoir, our empathy for others increases. By considering different points of view, and putting ourselves in other’s shoes, we are forced to think of people other than ourselves. This is so important for people at any stage of life, but it is especially important for children, since as children we see ourselves as the centers of our own private universes. Books can get us to go beyond our private concerns and help us to consider others. 

Jane Goodall book for kiddos!

6. Of course, it goes without saying that reading books can help us build our vocabulary and improve our writing skills thereby refining our communication skills so that we have a better chance at surviving and thriving in any society. 

7.  Books provide us with the choice to practice a sustained activity without constant notifications and the ever-present option to surf the web, check the social media channels, or engage in text messaging. While reading a book, we can sequester ourselves from the outside world and devote our full attention to one thing, which increases our faculties of concentration and focus. One of the best things about books is that they can be accessed without any of the detrimental side effects of the digital world. When we read from a book, we are less prone to the anxiety that accompanies clicking around on personal devices.

8. Choosing to read a book instead of diving into the never-ending world of our smart phones before we go to bed can help us sleep better. If we read a book instead of using a personal electronic device before bed, our brains (actually, our pineal glands) will be better able to secrete melatonin, a hormone essential for sleep. Melatonin is actually blocked by the photons emitted by screens, so when we use our phones before bed, we don't feel tired; instead, we feel activated and awake. Our quality of sleep can be improved when we choose to do something else other than reach for our phones.

As a former English teacher, this topic has always been near and dear to my heart. And, if you are a former student of mine, then you probably remember me going on and on about the importance of books and the detrimental effects of  mobile devices and tablets when they are not used for the right purposes. 

Every night, I read to my son, and also to the little baby growing inside of me. As soon as I start reading, Miles puts his head on my belly, and his little brother starts kicking. It’s beautiful.

Regardless of your knowledge of this subject or your affiliation to me, I'd love to know what you think about books vs. mobile devices! And, I'd love to hear what YOU are reading right now. Feel free to leave a comment below with your opinions and literary recommendations. 

Here some of MY favorites from the recent years, followed by a list of what I'm planning to reading in the next months. All the titles are linked to their descriptions. And, you may notice, I tend to pursue anti-personal technology related titles. 

Ali's Shortlist of Nonfiction:

• The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to our Brains by Nicholas Carr

• Reclaiming Conversation: Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle

• Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

• Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson

• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

Ali's Shortlist of Fiction: 

• The Goldfinch by Donna Tarrt

• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

• We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver

• Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

• Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

To Read in 2020:

• The More of Less by Joshua Becker

• Let Them Be Kids by Jessica Smartt

• Disaster Preparedness: A Memoir by Heather Havrilesky

• The Art of Screen Time by Anya Kamenetz

• Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

Are you on Goodreads? Let's connect! Find me here.

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If you'd like to see posts related to this one on Everthrive, here are some you might start with: 

Breaking News: Phones Don’t Deliver Actual Human Connection

Put Down Your Phone and Live Your Life

Take the Slow Way

The Importance of Disconnecting to Reconnect

Be Free

Wherever You Are, Be All There

Breaking News: Phones Don't Deliver Actual Human Connection

In the four months we’ve been “Safer at Home,” I’ve been using my phone much more often than I previously allowed myself. Text messages, Instagram Direct Messages, FaceBook comments, Messenger notifications, WhatsApp...I get little dopamine boosts from all of that. And I feel that familiar deflated loneliness after checking all my sources and there’s nothing left. As a self-proclaimed digital minimal-ish person, my overuse of technology feels very hypocritical. 

I’ve done all I can to limit my digital exposure already: I only follow immediate family and very close friends on Facebook, I’ve muted most Instagram stories, and I maintain strict “Do Not Disturb Hours.” Despite these measures, I feel the siren call of my phone more than ever.

“Dancers,” Denver’s Performing Arts Sculpture Park (Cornish, 2016)

We reach for human connection, but we’re really just reaching for tiny computers with cameras.

The desire for human connection is so powerful that I’ve become confused. I reach for my phone to fulfill my need to authentically connect with people. But, I’m really just reaching for a sophisticated, tiny computer with a camera.

While seeking freedom from society and conformity, Christopher McCandless came to the realization that "happiness is only real when shared."

But, what happens when we’re not able to physically share our lives with our loved ones? I’m not alone in my reliance on social media and text messages to replace my need for actual human connection. 

It’s a very human trait to seek other people to share our lives with. Eventually the COVID-19 pandemic will subside and we’ll be left to deal with the aftermath. But, there’s also the question of how we’re coping in the meantime.

As we continue to reach for authentic human connection via our phones, we’re doing prolonged damage to our bodies and minds, as well as and setting up poor digital habits for the future.

Who should we give our hearts to? Our phones or our friends? Street art, Denver (Cornish, 2016)

More than ever, we’re personifying our cellular devices.

We go to them, we coddle them, and we carefully bathe them in disinfectant. We reach in our pockets and purses just to feel the hope of future connections. We personalize their voices, ringtones, alerts, and notifications so that they reflect our personalities. Some of us tuck our phones in at night, happily laying them next to us on our pillows, unaware of the harm that we might be unintentionally doing to ourselves. 

Did you know that 71% of Americans sleep with or sleep next to their phones? And, when you look at the younger generations, the percentage can be up to 90%? Why?

1. Many people (myself included) don’t have an external alarm clock - we use our phones. So, it’s convenient to have them next to the bed so we can turn them off in the morning. 

2. Phones and mobile devices are also used for entertainment before bed. Many people read on their phones, catch up on the news or social media, or watch videos before bed. 

3. Lots of people like the comfort of their nearby devices to fill an unconscious need for connection, and to deflect the dreaded Fear of Missing Out (FOMO). The idea here is, if our phones are out of the room, we might miss something! Even while we are sleeping!

4. Many may suffer from actual cell-phone addiction. Often referred to as “problematic mobile phone use,” cell-phone addiction is similar to other addictions such as gambling, shopping, or video-game addiction. This can lead to some really severe consequences.

Applications on our mobile devices fool us into thinking that they are delivering actual human connection.

There hasn’t been enough time to study long term effects of phone use, since “smart phones” haven’t been around for long enough. 

What studies have shown, however, is that phones emit electromagnetic radiation, or EMF, along with several other sources of radiation. Cell signals, WiFi, Bluetooth, and GPS all emit subtle radiation from our phones.

For these reasons, it’s not a great idea to sleep with your phone. If there is some truth to these recent studies, it’s best that we shield ourselves from these harmful things as much as possible. But, if you must sleep near your phone, please turn your phone to airplane mode. This greatly reduces and may even eliminate the signals coming from our phones.

Use airplane mode to reduce distractions and harmful radiation

Control your phone; don’t let it control you. 

If you, like me, are feeling powerless to the lure of your device, don’t beat yourself up. It’s a weird time. But, do take certain measures to make sure you rely on healthy methods of connection.

How to take back control of your device:

1. Keep your phone on silent when you don’t need to use it.

2. Enable Do Not Disturb Mode for evening hours.

3. Make use of Airplane Mode even when you’re not on an airplane. This saves battery and reduces harm to our minds and bodies.

4. If you have it, enable Nighttime Mode to reduce blue light exposure. The idea here is that exposing ourselves to too much blue light can adversely effect sleep.

5. Choose to read a book instead of using a phone before bed. Screens block melatonin secretion. Melatonin is a hormone essential for sleep. When we use our phones before bed, we don't feel tired; instead, we feel activated and awake. Our quality of sleep can be improved when we choose to do something else other than reach for our phones.

6. Seek out fulfilling ways to connect with family and friends. We can set up a socially-distanced get together in an outdoor space; we could use the “phone” capability of our phones to actually call family and friends instead of text messaging. We can also schedule video calls at a time when blue light exposure won’t mess with sleep; or, we can create and send handwritten letters or little care packages to loved ones: it’s a great way to maintain and rejuvenate important relationships.

Street art, Wicker Park Chicago (Cornish, 2009)

Gaining control of our devices can help us connect with the important things in life.

Putting boundaries in place between ourselves and technology can enhance our productivity, (re)build our faculties of concentration, strengthen the important relationships in our lives, and improve our overall well-being and health.

Have you been reaching for your phone a lot more during the COVID-19 pandemic? If so, how have you been able to find a middle ground? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment below or share via email at ali.everthrive@gmail.com.

With gratitude always,

Ali

Camp Friendship

As we head through these languid summer months, my mind drifts to my teenage experiences at summer camp. My brothers and I attended a wilderness camp north of Duluth, MN, where we flourished while living semi-off grid near the Canadian Quetico wildness. We became more independent and self-reliant as we learned basic wilderness survival skills along side other teenagers and young adults. By leaving suburban Chicago behind, we were able to exist within a unique community, commune with nature, test our limits, and become much stronger for it. In essence, that’s what camp is all about!

Sarah Ackenbom, Retreats Coordinator and Director of Camp Friendship in Palmyra

I recently connected to Sarah Ackenbom, Director and Retreats Coordinator of Camp Friendship located on the edge of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Palmyra, Virginia. 

As a former elementary school teacher, Sarah loves guiding children through their individual learning journeys. Naturally, she feels a very personal connection to the experiences that summer camp can offer children, and she also believes that adults can have a similar transcendent experience.

There’s something about attending a summer camp that can help people slow down, focus on the essential, and connect to what’s important. Learn more about this below as Sarah shares her perspective on the grounding effects of spending time at Camp Friendship.

Ali C: How does Camp Friendship help people slow down and live more simply?  How does the camp allow for a soulful connection with nature?

Sarah A: There’s something about coming to summer camp that innately allows you to breathe. Spending time outside hearing the crunch of pine needles underfoot and the smell of crisp mountain air just gives you the feeling of space that you may not find so easily elsewhere.  

Whenever I leave camp for whatever reason, it’s funny that the first thing I notice now is the quality of air.  Sometimes you don’t realize the importance of something until you no longer have it.  The air of camp is that for me.  I can breathe here, and nowhere else compares.  This aura that floats through camp air is what I believe helps those who visit here to stop and reflect.  There’s somehow more space for that reflection when you can breathe.  

Ali C: How will the camp reduce noise to help people reflect and grow?  Is there a digital detox element?

Sarah A: The sound of birds chirping replaces the need for an alarm clock and the river along the edge of our property creates the white noise people pay for on their mindfulness app without needing to look at a screen.  Because of this, I’m constantly reminded of a quote from Chinese philosopher Lau Tzu: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” (Random note: Just because I live and work at Camp Friendship, doesn’t mean I’m constantly living by the words of philosophers.  I just read this particular quote attached to my tea bag one day and it stuck with me!)

There is a lot of noise outside the bubble of Camp to constantly produce, to superficially connect, to go, go, go.  Within this world, people can slow down – technology doesn’t really fit in a place like this.  Our young summer campers are required to give up all technology when they stay here.  We even ask them to bring disposable cameras, you know, the ones that have the turney thing in the right-hand corner?  The same stringent rules don’t apply to all retreats here, but we do offer a challenge by choice option, so to speak. 

During our Women’s Retreat, there is a basket where guests can choose to place their phones when they arrive to eat each meal.  Instead of hopping down the proverbial rabbit hole of social media or texting with family about where the lost soccer cleat might be, women can choose to connect with one another at the retreat instead.  Since Wi-Fi is only available in certain locations on Camp, phone use is so much more intentional and meaningful.  There’s enough friction to break patterns that can be created that we just don’t notice in our day-to-day where it’s so easy to pull out our phone or turn on the TV.      

When you disconnect from your everyday surroundings, you’re giving yourself the chance to develop as an individual. You give yourself the priceless freedom to grow and thrive.

Why did you step away from traditional employment to manage the camp?

The short answer: In order to live my life to the fullest and truly connect in my marriage, I needed to slow down.   

The longer answer: Leaving teaching was something that I never thought I would do.  It was my career and a huge part of my identity.  When people ask what I do, my easy automatic response is that I’m a teacher. Leaving teaching would mean leaving the sunshine my students brought to my life and leaving the classroom that I loved.  It was going to mean a huge pay cut to leave a job I knew how to do and jump into something unknown. And I did it anyway. 

Change can be such an exciting, inspiring, refreshing, nerve wracking thing.  It can cue the best of your imagination and opens your eyes to see things in a different light than when you are simply hitting the repeat button.  In this case, change felt a little like a shot of whiskey.  Good, but it burned going down. 

You see, I was the kid who was unwavering in what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was even in the Future Teachers of America Club as a fifth grader.  Yeah, I was that kid.  And when I got my first teaching job after college, I was more than ready.  

I rushed around in the glorified busy-ness that I called life and did the best I could to keep my head above water. I worked at Camp as much as I could to help my family, while teaching full time.  Young children just bring a light to your life in a way that nothing else does. I loved being a part of each of my student’s individual learning journeys, meeting them where they were and helping them get to where they wanted to be.

However, I didn’t love the guilt I felt if I didn’t do the most Pinterest worthy lesson, the time that was expected of me before and after school or the personal money I put into my classroom.  Conformity was a drug that I was using to self-medicate and distract from what was really important in my personal life.

Pictured above: Sarah and her wife, Skye Ackenbom, daughter of founder Chuck Ackenbom.

Sarah and Skye run the camp alongside Alina Ackenbom, Executive Director and Founder/Director of Friendship Tennis Academy and wife of Camp Founder Chuck Ackenbom.

“We wanted to be more intentional with our lives, curate what we wanted life to look like and eliminate everything else.” - Sarah Ackenbom

I was stretched to my limit commuting two hours every day, working a long day at school, and coming home to work more at Camp. I was averaging about four or five hours of sleep a night. Weekends weren’t a respite, they meant more work at Camp and then most of Sunday evening meant preparing for school the next day.  Skye and I had little time together, and when we did, we talked mainly about work.  Every once in a while, we promised ourselves that we would only talk about personal things and stop talking about Camp or school, but it always found a way to creep back in.  Ten years into teaching, Skye and I knew we couldn’t keep going this way.  

Sarah and Skye Ackenbom

We knew the change that needed to happen included many difficult decisions. We wanted to be more intentional with our lives, curate what we wanted life to look like and eliminate everything else. I said goodbye to being a classroom teacher and started full time as a Director at Camp.  From the burn that change creates, came so much good. 

Ending my teaching career was the catalyst that allowed for further growth. What I thought I should be doing and how I should be doing it adjusted to become something new:

• We slowed down and became ardently intentional about every aspect of our lives.

• We started minimizing the things in our home, budgeting the money we spent, analyzing our time and where to best put our energy and talents.

• I put boundaries in place for areas that distracted me from being present to create friction around bad habits. Absolutely no social media for me and Pinterest is only allowed on weekends!

We now live our lives at a pace that allows the sand to shift slowly between work and personal endeavors, all the while connecting and growing together. I am centered, grounded in exactly what matters most to me, in this new slow existence.

“Live a life of intention, not obligation” - Sarah Ackenbom

Skye and Sarah Ackenbom

To thine self be true.  We celebrate Shakespeare’s Hamlet for the poignant words that seem so simple when reading them.  In reality, finding your true North can be a life’s pursuit.  I always have had an internal compass to guide me on my journey and land where I belong.  I’m right where I’m meant to be.  

When someone asks me what I do, my gut reaction is still to say that I am a teacher.  The word still forms on my lips, because teaching is still a huge part of who I am in my heart. Thankfully, it is also a huge part of what I do in my work at Camp. Now, I proudly get to say that I am a Camp Director.  

Ali C: What would you say to someone considering a life change similar to one you made?

Sarah A: Find the experiences that resonate with you to live a life of intention, not obligation.

Ali C: What is your hope in sharing Camp Friendship with Everthrive’s audience?

Sarah A: My hope in sharing information about Camp Friendship is to help people connect.  It’s what drives me.  Because maybe, just maybe, we offer something that people are searching for.  

Whether you went camping as a child or not, whether you feel isolated in your life or you’ve already found your tribe, Camp Friendship might fill a hole that someone is looking to fill.  

When I talk about the magic of camp, it’s true.  It’s in the air here…  

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I’m very thankful for Sarah’s personal story about disconnecting from daily life, placing yourself in special communion with nature, and connecting with yourself and others who appreciate the essentials of life.

If you’d like to learn more about how Camp Friendship connects people and nature in a meaningful way, click any of the videos below.

Additionally, if you’d like to learn more about the concepts that Camp Friendship upholds, namely disconnecting to connect, communing with nature, or living simply, you might be interested in any of these related articles on Everthrive:

Disconnecting to Connect

Take the Slow Way

Listen to Nature

Word of the Year: Listen

Be Free

When you stay at Camp Friendship, you aren’t just renting a cabin. You’re immersing yourself in an outdoor experience with access to all our grounds provide – a private space to get away.

This video captures the spirit and philosophy of Camp Friendship in Virginia.

My Holistic Escape From Chronic Pain

Anklylosing Spondylitis (AS) is a type of arthritis causing inflammation around the spine, attacking the bones and joints, and can affect the arms and legs as well. AS also causes inflammation in the skin, intestines, and eyes. Symptoms of AS include lower back pain, overall body stiffness, sciatica, and joint pain. Over time, the spine can fuse together, and many sufferers develop a hunched-over appearance.

There is no cure.

I was diagnosed with AS in 2016. Since it’s so difficult to diagnose, I had to suffer with its symptoms since 2011.

Why might I be writing about health for a website focused on mindful, simple living? Where does my experience with AS fit in with Everthrive?

Well, here’s the short answer. Part of living mindfully is choosing what I expose myself to. I’ve found that by being mindful about diet, stress management, simple living, and moderate exercise, my AS has gone into remission.

But I didn’t figure this out right away. I had to experience years of juggling pain medications, steroids, and injecting harsh chemicals into my upper thigh. I dealt with bouts of immobility. There were times where my legs gave out from under me. Sometimes I just gave up midway down the stairs and would cry. There was hopelessness, anger, depression, shingles outbreaks and panic attacks.

If you’d like to continue reading, here is my AS story.

A selfie from Arlington High School, where I taught 10th, 11th, and 12th grade English and Literature.

In 2011, I was teaching high school English in Arlington, Massachusetts. After school, I helped coach our cross country team, and I ran with the team daily. I was 28, and I loved my life and my job.

It was about this time when I started experiencing shooting pains down my legs. Sometimes the pain would be in the right leg. Other times the left leg. It came and went. I started doing more stretches pre and post run, but my efforts were fruitless. I gave in and saw a doctor, who reprimanded me for trying to keep up with 14-year-old runners. She gave me some pain killers, and I went on my way.

Limping became normal for me. I became skilled at hiding it. Sometimes the pain would subside for weeks, other times it was a daily issue. I learned to live with it.

Then, on a spring break trip to New York City, my left eye became very red and watery, and very sensitive to the light. I assumed I had scratched it while taking my contacts out, or perhaps it was seasonal allergies. I purchased Visine, allergy drops, and saline drops, and applied them every hour or so. The sights of NYC were blurry and distorted. I had to wear sunglasses even indoors. When I returned, I promptly went to an ophthalmologist who diagnosed me with iritis (inflammation of the iris). She gave me milky-colored steroid drops to use every 2 hours, and suggested I get a blood test also, “to be safe.” I disregarded this last bit of advice, and went on with my life. My eye healed, and I was only hobbling sometimes. 

Then, in 2013, after moving back to the Chicago area, I got the eye infection again. I knew exactly what to do; I got the drops, and again the doctor suggested a blood test “to rule out lupus, among other autoimmune diseases.” I disregarded this advice for a second time. I was healthy. I ate a balanced diet. I did Pilates twice a week and walked my dog to and from the beach every day. I went hiking and backpacking occasionally. I was on my feet all day teaching. I consistently ran 3-5 miles at a time. I felt like I was in the best shape of my life, besides my continuous hobbling, intermittent sciatica, and lower back pain.

Fast forward to 2015, and I got iritis again.

And, in April 2016 the pain in my legs got much worse. I could barely walk. I would take a step and then my leg would buckle underneath me. I couldn’t sit for very long because the pain in my lower back was so severe, and would radiate down one leg or the other, depending on the day.

The pain was infuriating and random. Every morning I woke up paralyzed with stiffness. I would roll out of bed like a feeble 90-year-old woman and shuffle to the bathroom. I couldn’t lift my legs to put on underwear or jeans. I couldn’t bend over to put on my shoes. I had to swivel my body in and out of the car. I quit Pilates. There was a short period of time where I was completely immobile. Laying down was painful, but walking was much more painful.

At my lowest point, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to walk down the isle to marry my husband on June 11, 2016. How would that look? Would Josh have to carry me?

I did a lot of blaming. I blamed my condition on my activity level. I blamed it on my desk chair. I blamed it on a so-called inflamed disk that an MRI revealed. I blamed it on that one time I slipped on ice and bruised my tailbone. I blamed it on my mattress. But, the pain and immobility and stiffness seemed so much worse than it should be for those things. I had nothing left to blame, so I cried.

I began seeing many doctors, and one of them recommended physical therapy to correct my inflamed disk, so I went every day for 4 weeks. The exercises my PT taught me seemed to help. Slowly I regained mobility, but not without the help painkillers and steroids. 

I was able to walk down the aisle and marry my best friend in the wedding of our dreams, but by the end of the perfect evening, I was having trouble walking. 

Loving my husband. Smiling through the pain.

I thought, enough is enough. Maybe I should see if there something more causing this pain; some invisible condition attacking my body. I went ahead and got the blood work that each and every ophthalmologist had recommended to me.

The results came back. A protein called HLA-B27 was found on my white blood cells. HLA proteins help the body's immune system tell the difference between its own cells and foreign, harmful substances. If you have HLA-B27 on your white blood cells, you might have an autoimmune disease. Another MRI was ordered, and I was sent to a rheumatologist to go over those results.

He showed me an image of my deteriorating pubic bone, and told me very matter-of-factly that I had ankylosing spondylitis, a disease that could never be cured, and I’d be managing it my whole life. 

I drove home 45 minutes oscillating between despair and anger and feeling that my life was over. 

They told me I had to take medicine every day for the rest of my life.

The first pill I was prescribed was meloxicam, a drug that reduces pain, swelling, and stiffness of the joints. It also increases the risk of “severe stomach pain, black tarry stools, vomiting of blood or material that looks like coffee grounds, skin rash, swelling of the face, fingers, feet, or lower legs.” (Mayo Clinic)

Regardless of these side effects, I took this pill for one year, until Josh and I decided to start trying to have a baby.

Upon learning that meloxicam could also lead to spontaneous abortion, I stopped taking it, and I started taking Humera. I was told that it was mostly safe for pregnancy, but could also lead to serious infections and lymphoma, among other cancers. I gingerly agreed to take this, as I felt there was no other choice.

Humera comes through the mail, in a styrofoam cooler, and I had to inject it into my thigh. The first time I tried this, I was at my rheumatologist’s office. After I clicked the mechanism that jolted the cold medication into my bloodstream, I slowly lost touch with my surroundings. The nurse, the chair, and the paintings on the wall gradually pixelated into a white oblivion. I almost passed out. The paramedics were called - they thought I was going into anaphylactic shock, and so did I - but the episode passed, and was reduced to a panic attack.

Red flag heeded. I decided to seek out alternative methods of managing my disease. I began seeing a naturopathic doctor.

The office was more like a spa than a hospital. The air was imbued with essential oils, greenery cascaded from the ceiling, and there was even a waterfall.

After providing evidence and explaining my “situation,” the naturopath persuaded me to take a food sensitivity test, as well as a stool analysis. I basically had to collect my poo and send samples to the lab for 5 consecutive days, which was a bit strange as I was working as a teacher at the time and had to poop in a public bathroom into red-check paper hot dog trays.

The tests were revelatory. I was highly sensitive to eggs, cow dairy products, almonds, quinoa, and hazelnuts. All of these foods increased the inflammatory response in my body significantly. As a constant consumer of these specific foods, I was at a loss. What would I eat?

The naturopath also reminded me of the mind-body connection to illness. Stress is a large factor in setting off inflammatory responses. I would also need to identify and reduce as much stress as possible, and put up more barriers between myself and possible stressors.

Since my visits with the naturopath, I’ve learned so much about food and diet. There are certain foods can help fight inflammation and ease symptoms like joint pain and stiffness, and there are other foods that will most likely lead to joint pain and stiffness. (Every Day Health)

In addition to eliminating almonds, cow dairy, eggs, hazelnuts, and quinoa whenever possible, I’ve also been avoiding most processed and fried foods. I’ve lowered my inflammatory threshold considerably, and, in addition to managing stress, living mindfully, and making sure to exercise moderately, I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on how to manage my pain.

My AS has been in remission ever since I began taking a holistic approach to my health.

I’ve been without severe pain for years, and I haven’t taken medication to treat AS since August, 2017. I was really worried that my son would “break my deteriorating pelvis” when he was born, but we both emerged intact after a non-medicated birth.

Since I’m in remission, I’m often tempted to stray from my diet. When this happens, I remind myself of all the times I suffered with incredible pain, and I’m quickly convinced to stick to my mostly plant-based diet, high in Omega-3 fatty acids.

Avoiding stress is the hard part of pain management. Stress can come at us in so many different ways and forms! When non-life threatening stressors invade my life, I try to step back and think about how I can control my own response to stressors. I have the choice to worry, react, confront, ruminate, or otherwise negatively react. I can also choose to deal quickly and efficiently with the stressors, so that they go away. I consciously choose to focus on the present, and I try not to allow my mind to drift into concerns about the past or the future. Of course, this is a lot easier said than done.

I’ll never take my “pain free” life for granted. I’m so thankful for each day I can sleep through the night without pain. I can walk without fear of falling. I can run again. I can pick up my 2-year-old son, spin him around, and chase him around the yard when he wants to “run fast, Momma!” I can dance with my husband to our favorite songs. I can mow the lawn. I can walk through the grocery store and lift heavy bags from my car to the kitchen. All of these are so simple, and yet many people cannot do even the basic tasks due to chronic pain.

My husband Josh, our son Miles (26 months), and a pain-free Momma.

So, there you have it. My AS story. It’s personal to me, and I know that countless others have suffered much worse than I.

I am lucky I am able to manage holistically, but many people still need the extra help of medication to get them through the day.

Do you have experience with chronic pain? How are you able to manage it? I’d love to hear your story. If you feel comfortable, you can comment below, or send an email to ali.everthrive@gmail.com

With gratitude,

Ali

7 Mindful Living Blogs You Should Read

One of the reasons I created Everthrive is to connect with like-minded writers, educators, visual storytellers, and supporters of mindful living.

In my virtual explorations, I’ve come across many inspiring blogs, vlogs, websites, and podcasts created by these very types of people.

Below is a list of my current favorites with a focus on simplicity, motherhood, minimizing, and reducing distractions.

Perhaps you’ve heard of a few of these, but hopefully I’ve listed some you haven’t come across. Let me know what you think!

I hope you’ll find as much value in these voices as I have.

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1. Afrominimalist — theafrominimalist.com

Christine Platt began her minimalist journey in 2016 when she became overwhelmed by her personal excess, a feeling that resulted in getting rid of most of her things. Instead of choosing the standard bare, white aesthetic, she created her own version of minimalism, a philosophy that reflected the beauty and mystery of the African diaspora. For Christine, minimalism is less about the aesthetic and more about the practice. She lives in 630 sq feet with her 16 year old daughter. Start with her TEDx talk!

2. Break the Twitch — www.breakthetwitch.com

Sometime in 2013, Anthony Ongaro felt completely out of control in a world where everything was vying for his attention. He vowed to change things drastically. Break the Twitch is all about building the habits “required to live a focused, minimalist life with maximalist meaning.” If you scroll to the bottom of his site, you’ll find videos, podcasts, and articles. I really like his point of view on minimalism. His work shows that minimalism isn’t just about material things; it’s also a way to eliminate mental clutter.

3. The Heaton Family — theheatonfam.com

Lauren Heaton is a home educator of four children, with a keen interest in sustainability, living an eco-lifestyle, fostering homemade creativity, travel, and cooking/baking. Her website hosts videos and articles sharing helpful advice for those who want to live simply as well as intentionally. She’s very down-to-earth and shows her followers what it’s really like to raise and educate four kiddos. Lauren also has an amazing eye for children’s literature, and I really appreciate her book reviews!

4. Minimalist Beauty — www.minimalistbeauty.com

In 2010, Dawn Michelle had accrued $20,000 of debt, mostly due to style and beauty consumerism. Since then, she’s eliminated this debt and has chosen to live more consciously and wants to share her discoveries with all of us. I appreciate her varied focus on zero waste, minimalism, motherhood, health/wellness, travel, and finance. A proponent of simple, organic beauty routines, she gives great hair and make-up advice - be sure to check out her skin-care line, AZUHA.

5. No Sidebar — nosidebar.com

No Sidebar is blog that focuses on the essentials and designing a simple life. Here, you’ll find a variety of articles and essays about getting rid of the excess and focus on the essentials. The works collected on this site (there are many authors represented, which is really cool) focus on cultivating clarity and peace of mind through downsizing and minimizing. No Sidebar is a project of Brian Gardner in conjunction with Becoming Minimalist’s Joshua Becker, a very well-known proponent of minimalism. I really like how No Sidebar is designed - simple, clean, and user friendly. The collective nature of this site is very inviting and I appreciate the inclusion of other voices.

6. Raising Simple — www.raisingsimple.com

Zoë Kim is a woman of many hats. She’s a horticulturalist, expert de-clutterer, minimalist, and recently became an architect: Zoë designed and oversaw the construction of her ideal “right-size” home, where she lives with her four children. She is also the author of one of my favorite minimalist books, Minimalism for Families, a book that takes the core ideas of minimalism and applies them to our everyday, real-life, lived-in spaces. Minimalism doesn’t have to be a stark, white room with one chair, one table, one tiny succulent plant, and a coffee cup. Zoë Kim’s short, concise guide was published in 2017 and will still be relevant many years in the future. I highly recommend it!

7. Someday Slower — somedayslower.com

After getting rid of 80% of her family’s belongings, Beth now lives simply and intentionally by the sea and loves sharing her discoveries with readers. As a mother, I really appreciate her candor and point of view, and her desire to help other mothers discover simpler ways of getting things done. Beth’s more active on Instagram than on her website, so be sure to visit her there also. Her keen eye for photography speaks for itself!

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What do you think of my list? Can you think of other sites I should have included? I’d love to learn what you’ve been reading, watching, or listening to these days. Please comment below or send me an email at ali.everthrive@gmail.com

With gratitude,

Ali

7 Reasons You Should Ritualize Your Life

“Great things can be created by a series of small, seemingly insignificant elements brought together with intention and love.”

- adapted from quote by Vincent Van Gogh

I grew up in a small family. We dressed up on Halloween, ate turkey and cranberries at Thanksgiving, received presents and decorated a tree at Christmas, and hunted for plastic candy-filled eggs on Easter.

We went to church on Sundays, but we switched churches often. Sometimes we’d get on bikes and ride to Dairy Queen across town. Sometimes we’d take a summer or winter vacation, but not always every year. I was very thankful for these few traditions and fondly think of them from time to time. Yet, to me, everything in-between these larger events seemed just a little bit random. I envied my friends with larger families, who seemed to have numerous events and built-in traditions that could be counted on, day after day, year after year. I thought maybe having relatives in the immediate area was the key to creating and keeping traditions. But, we didn’t have extended family living nearby, or even within a day’s drive. We made do with our little bubble.

When I was maybe 9 years old, my favorite book series was “The Boxcar Children.” This was a collection of stories surrounding the adventures of four orphaned siblings who lived in an abandoned train car in the forest. I was fascinated with how these kids could create a life even in isolation, and they seemed to have fun. The series was accompanied by a cookbook, “The Boxcar Children Cookbook,” a collection of recipes the children cooked in the books. One recipe, “Canoe Trip Pancakes,” stuck out to me in particular.

It was such an easy recipe, and adorably written (see recipe above, step #2: “until drops of water…dance on the surface”) so I started making “Canoe Trip Pancakes” on weekends. I loved every bit of the process. I felt like I was harnessing the self-sufficiency of my fictional friends and adding more meaning into my lazy weekend mornings. I might have even done my own dishes! I look back upon this time with happiness, remembering my small, but significant effort to bring my family together with food.

Everyone seemed to like the pancakes, or at the very least they tolerated my need to make them. Sometimes my dad would chime in with some bacon and eggs, and we’d make a hodgepodge brunch out of it, drenching our plates with maple and boysenberry syrup, and defrosting a new canister of orange juice from concentrate (anyone else drink that stuff as a kid?) to wash it all down. It made me really happy that my pancakes brought us all together as a family.

Fast forward 30 years, and I have my own little family. Even though we are only 3, we are still a family bound together by love, responsibility, and obligation. But those aren’t the only elements that bind families together. Through my childhood experiences, and by observing the traditions of my friends’ families, I’ve come to understand that rituals are important for families to grow and thrive. I really want to make more use of traditions and rituals for myself and for my family.

The Importance of Little Rituals

What is a ritual?

Usually referred to as characteristics of a ceremony or religious life, rituals can be any sincere tradition that includes carefully ordered and well-intended actions.

Rituals are important because they are the glue that binds families together. The seemingly insignificant actions that make up rituals are given much more weight when combined with intention and love. In this way, rituals connect “the ordinary to the extraordinary,” making the mundane aspects of life more beautiful.

Is it too late to create new traditions?

Anytime is a great time to start creating rituals for yourself or for your family. I think that rituals might be especially important during long periods of waiting, such as what we’re experiencing now with the coronavirus.

7 Reasons Why You Should Ritualize Your Life

1. Rituals give us something to look forward to. They also help to mark the days as they pass, creating an ongoing way to structure our precious days, weeks, months, and years.

2. Rituals give us agency, and empower us to create our lives, instead of passively experiencing our lives. Rituals also reassure us that we’re on the right path, and they help us reflect on our journey, and self-correct if necessary.

3. Creating rituals between friends and family is a great way to make memories.

4. Rituals help with setting expectations, and the repetition of rituals gives us, especially children, a sense of security and belonging, in addition to managing our reactions to changes in time and season.

5. Through repeated traditions and rituals just for us, we can increase our personal happiness, satisfaction, and sense of well-being. And, if we are personally happy, this happiness flows to others.

6. Rituals and traditions aid in building a strong family culture, family identity, and family morale. 

7. Finally, rituals provide us with a sense of renewal. Taking time for a intentional tradition offers us a break from our everyday routine, habitual existence. I’ve heard rituals compared to oases: a figurative place to rest on our life journey.

What simple, repeatable acts of love do you already have in place for yourself, or for your family? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the results of adding rituals to you life, or your family life. Please leave a comment in the box below, or send me an email at ali.everthrive.org.

Thank you for spending a bit of your day with me!

With gratitude,

Ali

Why You Should Consider an Adventure Honeymoon (video included!)

With honeymoon highlight reel at the end!

We went on our honeymoon exactly 4 years ago. I’ve always wanted to share our experiences, but I hadn’t been able to make the time until now. This article is written with the intention of both celebrating our marriage, and sharing our somewhat unique experiences.

For our honeymoon in 2016, Josh and I didn’t choose an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. We decided not to spend 12 days on the beach listening to the ocean waves while receiving couples massages. No, we didn’t dine on crab legs and champagne at an Instagram-able 5-star restaurant.

Instead, we chose to rent a tiny camping van and circumnavigate the tiny Nordic country of Iceland.

When we discussed our plans with friends prior to departing, we were met with blank stares and confusion. “Camping around Iceland? For your honeymoon? Isn’t it covered in ice?”

Yes, well, why on earth would we choose to honeymoon in a country that’s known for ice.* Not to mention unforgiving volcanic landscape and an average June temp of 48F? Especially right after the flurry that is planning and executing a wedding?

*It should be noted that Greenland is covered in ice; Iceland is actually much more green.

Our reply: Why not?

It was June 24 2016 when we arrived in a foggy Reykjavik.

It was raining just slightly and was a balmy 52 degrees F. After shuttling from the airport, we rented a Snail vehicle, our little home as we slowly made our way around this special country.

The van freed us from the obligation check-in and check-out times at hotels and farm-stays: we could roam as late and as far as we pleased! Since we didn’t pass many places to eat, we ate prepacked dehydrated meals we cooked over a small gas powered stove. The 24 hour daylight afforded us unlimited opportunities to nurture our new marriage with fun experiences.

Since it often took 1-2 hours to drive to each new destination, Josh and I had plenty of time to immerse ourselves in the beauty and majesty of Icelandic nature. We made room for spontaneous pull-overs to check out vistas, Icelandic horses, hot springs, waterfalls, abandoned farmhouses, or to say hello to the sheep - they were quite literally everywhere!

Even though we didn’t choose to relax together at a tropical resort, we were still able to slow down and be present with one another.

Camping each night was a deliberate choice that we made; anyone can stay at a hotel and generally have a predictable experience every time. We slept under the Icelandic sky to bring us closer to nature and to have an amazing story to tell our children one day.

As with any type of honeymoon, we collected many special memories on our journey.

My mind holds specific snapshots frozen in time, moments that brought Josh and I even closer together. Some of these included eating fermented whaleshark at Bjarnarhöfn Shark Museum on Snæfellsnes, exploring an abandoned herring factory in Djúpavík (featured in a 2010 film by Sigur Rós), losing ourselves in the rushing water of Dettifoss (the second most powerful waterfall in Europe), and braving strong winds to photograph the sweetest little puffins we’ve ever seen.

Sometimes our experiences didn’t seem so great at the time.

Admittedly, things didn’t always go according to plan. For example, early in our journey, while we were searching for somewhere to camp, our van became stuck in a volcanic sand trap.

We were really tired, hungry, we were starting to get short with each other, and then we got literally stuck in what we thought was an impossible situation. Miraculously, we were not only able to trial-and-error our way out of that hole, but we also endured another grueling hour of hunting for a camping spot. It was almost 11pm when we were finally able to park and cook dinner.

In hindsight we are able to recall that evening with pride. We overcame several obstacles together. We saw how we both handled the stressful situation, and the result made us even more connected as a couple by increasing the respect we have for one another. Conquering tricky situations paves the way for potential opportunities to become better people, and becoming better people together is the best gift of all.

We’re proud of our atypical honeymoon, but it wasn’t easy. It took a considerable amount of planning, countless hours of driving on questionable roads, and some physically demanding hikes. And it was colder and more rainy than we had expected. At times, I really did wish I was at the beach nursing a piña colada and a good book.

Sometimes the best experiences come from working through hard times. Together, Josh and I built our experience from scratch. We certainly could have purchased an itinerary or tour experience from a travel company, but we chose to do the work ourselves in order to receive a greater reward.

Married life is not a long period of relaxation and curated positive moments. Marriage is a complex road of interpersonal interactions and a mixture of all sorts of experiences.

Marriages also take plenty of work! With our honeymoon, Josh and I wanted to celebrate our marriage, to satisfy our longing for adventure and exploration, and to commemorate the beginning of our new “forever” chapter. We marked the start of our marriage with a honeymoon that more closely mirrored the zigzag, up and down, character-building aspects of life.

Can’t typical honeymoons accomplish the same goals?

Of course “typical” honeymoons can also be filled with important, life-affirming experiences. For us, it felt right to choose the road less traveled. This decision led to the creation certain parts of our personal identities, as well as our identity as a couple.

What do you think?

I’d love to know your thoughts about choosing a honeymoon. For all you recently engaged lovebirds - what are you choosing to do to mark the beginning of your married life together? And the married folks - what type of honeymoon did you go on?

Please feel free to leave a comment below, or send a quick email to ali.everthrive@gmail.com. I can’t wait to connect with you!

Thank you spending some of your day with me.

With gratitude,

Ali

Thriving in the Days of COVID-19

Thriving in the Days of COVID-19

We are living in what seems to be an unprecedented time. Our old lives drift further and further away as COVID-19 continues to unfold with all its accompanying fear and uncertainty.

The CDC and governmental organizations bombard us with new, sometimes conflicting information with the general theme that we should take every precaution against deadly illness, hospitalization, and even death.

The economic standstill and staggering unemployment rates persist in breeding anxiety, unrest, fear, burglaries, and vandalism.

And, all the while, people around the world endure their preexisting challenges: systemic racism, oppression, illiteracy, poverty, disease, government corruption, religious conflicts, inequality, war, human rights violations, and climate change, among others.

While humanity seemingly teeters at the brink of destruction, I am typing from my secure, safe, and quiet home in Fort Collins, Colorado.

How are you doing? is a question we’re often asked during these times. For me, after a brief hiccup of hesitation, I persevere honestly - I’m doing fine. But why do I feel bad saying that? An undercurrent of anxiety reminds me that countless others are suffering beyond my understanding while I am doing fine.

Quarantine Privilege

Social isolation has been fairly easy for my family and I. We live in close proximity to nature trails, wooded streams, and open space with hiking opportunities. Our neighbors are always around for quick chats and check-ins, and our extended family is only a phone call away. We don’t have to take on the added work of educating school-aged children with working from home (WFH). I’ve already been WFH for the past 3 years while raising our son for two of them, so this isn’t anything new for me. We are finding time for home improvements, cultivating new hobbies, organizing, and getting rid of things we don’t need.

We appreciate our space more. We are spending less. We feel less of a crunch to “get there on time” since we don’t need to go anywhere. As with many, we’ve experienced pay cuts, hour reductions, and tightening wallets in stride, but focusing on the good has kept us afloat.

Privilege Necessitates Responsibility

We are constantly aware and grateful for our situation, as many other have it much worse. We don’t carry the immense responsibility and weight of others who are essential workers. But we do carry the responsibility of our privilege.

We’re doing what little we can to keep others safe, especially essential workers by reducing our trips to the grocery store, and to other places where we purchase supplies. Lumping all my trips into one morning a week has become the norm since March. We can also tip food delivery people more than we usually would. Donating to local food banks, shelters, and charitable organizations is another good way to help our communities. From home, we can use our social platforms to push our local and federal governments to do better, and to be better, not just for now but for long after this pandemic is over.

We will never be the same

This period in our lives might change us more than any other. However, I often wonder how can we change individually and impact society for the better while estranged from our physical communities as we once knew them? For nothing advances in a vacuum.

How can we use quarantine to our advantage?

How can we thrive during these times?

In order to advance in our separate vacuums, we should focus on ourselves. That sounds a bit self-serving, but hear me out. Change can only start from within before it can emanate to our families, to our immediate community, and to the greater world.

Below is a list of five simple practices to help us thrive during quarantine:

1. Spread positive energy wherever you go, even if you don’t leave the house. Even though we are wearing masks, we can smile, say hello, and chat with people. A quick, authentic greeting can make all the difference! This practice can transfer to our online communities as well, where we can use our social networks to spread positive vibes, raise awareness, and stay connected.

2. My husband Josh often reflects that this pandemic is probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Instead of looking forward to it being over, we should embrace the good that can come out of a slower, less hectic period of our lives. Spend purposeful time with your quarantine family. Arranging special outings and scheduled game nights, for example, can keep morale up and spread to the wider community. Embrace “roughing it,” as you would if you were snowed-in or if the power went out.

3. It’s a good practice to keep in touch and reach out to loved ones who we can’t see during this time. Sometimes relationships can flourish from a distance. Old-fashioned handwritten letters are the perfect way to do maintain and rejuvenate relationships, since “words penned on paper and sent to a friend or relative can be life-affirming and enduring.” - Jenny Rowe in Breathe Magazine Issue 30

4. Keep calm and stay informed. It’s great to stay on top of COVID-19 cases in your area, and current preventative measures, but don’t get too crazy about it. The news has a way of bringing us to low places, which can cultivate and spread negativity. Learn what you need to know, and then put the phone down.

5. Seek nature at every opportunity. The natural world has a way of bringing us back to ourselves, wiping slates clean, and instilling clarity and calm. This is because nature is always there as a constant comfort, while other aspects of our lives come and go. The essence of nature's healing is in its everlasting recurrence. We can trust in nature because nature always bares herself before us, offering what she can give, regardless of the season. It is through this relationship of trust that we can all - children and adults - come closer to trusting and knowing our true selves.

We all need to remember that the COVID-19 pandemic is most likely a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Instead of looking forward to it being over, perhaps we can all embrace the good that can come out of a slower, less hectic period in our lives.

How to be a minimalist (podcast)

I am so grateful to have been a guest on The Imperfect Millennials Podcast today. In this episode about minimalism, I share a little about my ongoing minimalist journey. I also give a few tips and tricks, and provide resources to help those seeking a simpler, more minimal way of living.

The Imperfect Millennials Podcast produces a new episode each week geared towards millennial listeners looking to balance all the important things in life: health, work, relationships and spirituality. Sisters Katy and Mona, who happen to be childhood friends of mine, share tips, hacks, and experiences navigating millennial living. If you enjoy podcasts, and are interested in living a more meaningful and authentic life, please give the Imperfect Millennials a listen.

Living a Life Less Ordinary

This post was originally published on Simple Living, June 9th, 2017

In my early 20s, I breezed through life in a state of constant movement and engagement. I lived in five separate cities, two different countries, and held a grand total of 11 jobs in the span of 4 years. With a serious case of the dreaded FOMO (fear of missing out), I felt the grass was greener elsewhere.

Just like everyone I knew, I was always out-and-about, rarely spending a night in watching television, reading a book, or cultivating a hobby. Each new “Yes!” and each new connection were meant to boost my self-esteem. I thought if people saw that I was doing so much, they might respect me, or at the least, be very impressed. I made sure my MySpace and Facebook profiles were well-curated to show others how productive, interesting, and successful I was.

Reality, 2004

In reality, I wasn’t very successful. And, I wasn’t very happy. I was sleep deprived, overweight, and insecure. Like all of my peers, I didn’t want to be considered “ordinary.” But  I was exactly like everyone else in my chaos: churning, yearning, and chasing.

When I lived in LA in 2006, I held three simultaneous jobs, none of which produced enough money to pay for my lifestyle. I sold my car to make ends meet. Instead of putting efforts towards lasting friendships and relationships, I was thoroughly invested in the Hollywood mentality of looking over people’s shoulders to see if there was someone better to talk to. Due to my social choices, I was lonely. I wished that I could just stop everything and work on my mental well-being, physical health, and my finances, but I didn’t think it was possible. I had to be “out there.” I had to be social. I had the chance to rediscover myself each day through the eyes of others.

I wished my life could be simpler.

 What if I could have healthy self-esteem, a positive public image, excellent productivity, and the respect of my peers without being so busy?

The idea of simplifying my life seemed like a temporary solution, and not suitable for long term success. It also seemed quite “ordinary.” Sure, I can stay in one night and eat a healthy dinner and go to bed early. But, what about the rest of the nights? Would I be missing out on important connections? I worried that if I didn’t fill my calendar to the brim, I’d be bored, lonely and depressed.  

As it was, I was already bored, lonely and depressed. I needed to change. So, I began to consciously cut things out of my life. The removal of excess started with my decision to have just one job. I thought long and hard about what I was capable of doing. Instead of asking myself “What do I want to do?”, I started asking myself, “What can I do?” After four years of searching, gallivanting, and pursuing self-serving activities, I decided to be more focused, and to make a difference in the lives of others. So, in 2009, I decided to become a teacher.

Through teaching, I found peace. I found solace in the built-in routine of the school day, and I began to grow personally, achieve professionally, and thrive in other areas of life. There was less pressure for me to be “out there” “on the scene,” since I found fulfillment in my career, and with that came fulfillment in other areas of life.

I no longer had a need for social media presence, so I deleted my Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter accounts. I got a dog – Chauncey – who taught me the meaning of unconditional love, responsibility, and what it means to be grateful. I made more room in my life for things that really matter. By living simply and mindfully, I was finally in a place where I could find someone to share, grow, and thrive with. That’s when I met my husband Josh.

I began to live more simply, but I was not done with the idea of living

Many people approach the idea of living simply with great apprehension. They think, if I live simply, will I have to stick to the same routine every day? Is simple living just sitting back and watching life pass me by? Will it mean that I am done with growth, achievement, weekends out-of-town, brunch, concerts, and the new coffee shop with vegan cake-batter doughnuts? I used to think the call to simplify things was a temporary solution, and not suitable for the long-term.

Living simply is anything but resignation

I’d like to present the idea that living simply is anything but resignation. Since I found my truth through simplicity, I know that true, authentic living can be discovered when we pare life down to its essential elements.

By slowing my life down, I opened up to listening, thinking, and experiencing joy with the important people in my life. I’ve found that simple doesn’t have to be boring, mediocre, or unfulfilling. Simplifying didn’t stop me from actualizing my potential, and simplifying for me doesn’t mean sitting back and watching life pass by.

Of course, what is “essential” or “simple” is different for everyone, but the concept remains the same. Let me show you what simple means to me.

Simplicity in nature

Simple is daily walks with my dog, Chauncey. He and I both prefer new routes and different scenery, but I find solace in returning to old routes, where I can observe the change of the seasons, the subtle variations of the landscape; catching the scent of cedar shingles going up on that house on the corner, and the aromatic lilacs emerging on the bush next door.

There’s something so lovely and comforting in wishing my neighbors “Good morning!” or taking a peek at the new titles in our Neighborhood Library, or even adding a few titles of my own. The fresh air, sun, and expanse of the world is important for me to experience since both Chauncey and I are inside for most hours of the day. Experiencing nature has been the best therapy for me because it gives me little mental breaks in order to be at my best for the rest of the day.

Simplicity in technology

Simple is leaving our phones behind when Josh and I go out together. These phone-free nights have turned out to be the best ever. We allow ourselves to be completely present, captivated, and attentive to each other. A weight has been lifted without the allure of our glowing screens. We’re in the 90s again: there is no third-wheel and there isn’t any notification-induced anxiety. Keeping technology simple also translates to other situations. Unless I am expecting an urgent call, I have my phone on silent, and I try to limit the times when I check my phone. I also think about why I have an urge to check my phone, and try to be more mindful in the future.

Sometimes when I’m working, I set my phone to Airplane Mode in order to really clear up the mental space to fully engage in what I am doing. Better yet, I leave my phone in another room to minimize the temptation. If I simplify by taking conscious breaks from technology, and reduce the inclination to multitask, I’ve found that I can be much more productive and engaged.

Simplicity in relationships

Simple is The Date Jar. When we moved in together a few years ago, Josh and I collected the names of unique and well-priced restaurants in our area and put the names in our Date Jar. We even mixed in some “stay at home and play scrabble” cards, local coupons, and crumpled dollar bills. So, when Friday night comes around, we alternate who picks from the jar.

Gone are the days where we spent a portion of our evenings deciding what to do, what to eat, or where to go. Our date nights are spent enjoying togetherness, surprising food, and experiencing the rush of somewhere new. I’ve also transferred this mentality to making time to appreciate loved ones. I don’t just text them, post on their Facebook wall or comment on their Instagram posts. Now I actually save time to call them or even be with them in person. When I’m one-on-one with a friend, everything slows down and we are simply together, exchanging conversation, making memories.

Simplicity in experiences

When I was 18, I traveled to Europe with my best friend. We visited over 11 countries in 19 days, and it was a complete whirlwind of which we remember very little (glad we took photos!).

Since then, I’ve learned to simplify my trips to make them more memorable. Recently, Josh and I circumnavigated Iceland for 12 days, roaming the country in a tiny Citroen motorhome. Our experiences and memories of that trip are a testament to the time we invested to slow down and experience the beauty, culture and majesty of Icelandic nature. In not over-planning each day, we made room for spontaneous pull-overs to check out vistas, Icelandic horses, or abandoned farmhouses.

Camping each night was a deliberate choice that we made; anyone can stay at a hotel and have the same exact experience every time. In addition, we didn’t want to be tied to certain hotels, and strict check-in and check-out times. We camped to bring our experience down to its bare bones, to grow from it and have an amazing story to tell our children one day.

Simplicity in self-care

Simple is wearing my glasses instead of bothering with contacts. I have a few more minutes to enjoy lingering and lunching with a colleague instead of fussing with dry eyes. I also have a bit more money at the end of the year since contacts are expensive.

Simple is investing in colorful fruits and vegetables, and making a large batch of vegetable slaw a few times a week to make it easy to consume veggies. Simple is eating mindfully during the week so that a few weeknight cookies or weekend cocktails are a welcome and fun indulgence.

Simple is taking conscious deep breaths while I’m working, and stepping outside to enjoy a mental break every so often. When I return, I can bring a fresh perspective and energy to my work.

Simple is reducing my closet to the essentials so that I don’t take too much time getting dressed, and so I have more time to invest in work, leisure or people. I pay close attention to my closet: those clothes, shoes, or accessories that I don’t touch for a season get donated or sold. The same applies to books, furniture, appliances, or other items. The challenge of reducing is completely worth it because I have a great feeling of accomplishment when someone else can find value in my forgotten things.

Simplicity is different for everyone. 

What might be simple and meaningful for me may not be for you. However, the concept is the same. When I simplified, I made room for the life I was meant to have. My life is free from the “business of busy.” It’s the life my husband and I always dreamed of – it’s a life less ordinary.

The Belief That Is Stunting an Entire Generation

Live in the moment.

This is very common advice. When I complain about stress, I’m reminded time and again:

“Don’t worry. Relax.”

Or, “Just breathe in and feel your feet on the ground.”

And, “Don’t think so much about the future; just chill out.”

Let go, and live in the moment.

The phrase “living in the moment” has tremendous marketing value. Instagram has built an empire on the simple idea of capturing an instant and sharing it with friends. Social media in general makes our moments seem important enough to distribute online for anyone to see. The “Experiences, Not Things” movement touts collecting moments, living moments, and celebrating living in the moment. Some of us even sign up for expensive retreats in exotic places in order to let go of our problems and limitations, and focus on releasing ourselves into a “natural state” of impermanence.

There is a time and place to live in the moment.

If you are experiencing unnatural anxiety and uncontrollable emotions, you might want to pursue some sort of meditative practice to help you alleviate these symptoms.

Mindfulness practices can also help deflect things that compete for our attention every day. These attention-zappers are outside forces such as news, social media, and advertisements that inundate every aspect of our cosmopolitan lives.

Or, if you find yourself constantly focusing on problems instead of solutions, you could train yourself to worry less by adopting more of a solution-oriented outlook. This will take you out of your head a bit more, and help you see reality as it should be seen.

It becomes a problem when we resort to “living in the moment” when things get tough.

I believe that the advice to “live in the moment” given too freely, and too freely adopted as a lifestyle mantra. Many people choose to hide from past mistakes or planning for the future by living in the moment. I have personal experience with this.

I used to live in the moment. I ended up staying in that moment for much too long.

When I was in my early 20s, I wasn’t able to see myself as an adult. My college major changed at least twice. I dutifully studied, achieved excellent grades, but I never thought of what job I’d get when I graduated. I didn’t have goals concerning the future. I never pondered how I’d plan for retirement. I didn’t keep binders of “wedding inspiration” or my “dream home.” I didn’t even have set criteria for an ideal partner. I just took things as they came, and lived each day as if it were separate from the rest.

I clung to mantras like “live for today” and “live in the moment” which prevented me from embracing the responsibilities of adulthood.

My moment was deep and endless. It came and went, and none of it pointed me to tomorrow. It’s not that I thought I would die young; I simply lived like tomorrow wasn’t important. I thought that I’d maybe find my future after I spent a certain amount on local, organic produce at the farmer’s market. Or after the next Bikram yoga class. Or when I clocked my 100th hour at 24 hour fitness. Or maybe I’d find my destiny at the bottom of my third tequila gimlet?

I couldn’t conceptualize the future. Like so many of my contemporaries, I thought my fate would simply appear out of nowhere. By doing this, I was unknowingly setting myself up for a future I wasn’t prepared for.

I knew I wasn’t alone in adopting a “live for the moment” mindset. Statistics show that the millennial generation, or those born roughly between 1980 and 1996, lacks a general sense of foresight. We are part of the generation whose parents told us “you could do anything you want to.” Everyone got a trophy. We are the entitled, “Yes Generation,” partially a result of the economic boom of the 80s. Because we had everything we needed, we became self-oriented and indecisive. Almost 50% of us entered college without a major and up to 75% changed our major before graduation. And, to embrace adulthood, and emerge from our “moment,” we had to take some time to evaluate our life choices.

When I finally surfaced from my five-year moment, I spent some good time reflecting on my life. I never reached “rock bottom,” but I was close. To learn more about how I confronted myself and changed my ways, visit Simple Living where my article “Living a Life Less Ordinary” is featured.

Right here and now, we all need to recommit to living life in a more meaningful way. It’s necessary to balance living in the present with learning from the past and expecting the future. We shouldn’t resort to “living in the moment” and hiding from reality when things get tough.

Balance the present with lessons from the past and expectations for the future.

The evidence is overwhelming that tomorrow will indeed come for most people, so we need to plan for it. We need to talk to our children, our students, our nieces, nephews, and all the young people in our lives about tomorrow. We need to teach them that actions actually have consequences, both good and bad.

The state of our future depends on what we do in the present.

Next time you are tempted not to worry, or not to think about the future so much, take some time to think about what “living in the moment” really represents.

Living moment to moment, as Instagram, SnapChat, and Twitter are telling us to do, is a trending phrase that makes avoiding responsibility both acceptable and cool. Society’s celebration of living in the moment is basically telling us not to study for the most important exam of our lives: our future.

Yes, studying is stressful. Anxiety always accompanies preparing for interviews, applying for jobs, opening bills, paying our taxes, accepting and responding to failure, or having that difficult conversation with someone we love.

You cannot escape the responsibility of the future by evading it today - Abraham Lincoln

We can’t shy away from tough things. Success doesn’t come easy, and the journey isn’t always comfortable. Forward progress requires overcoming obstacles and making ourselves better.

When I chose to avoid responsibility by living in the moment, I’ve learned that I was robbing myself of the invaluable chance to grow into a stronger, more resilient, hopeful woman.

Don’t get trapped by “living in the moment” as I had. Make your present useful by learning from the past and planning for the future.

Listen: 2020 Word of the Year

Many people create resolutions for the New Year. I’ve certainly done that. However, don’t ask me to name my resolutions from past years. I’m not sure what resolutions I made or if I succeeded in keeping them! Do you remember yours?

So, this year, instead of making quick-dissolve “New Year’s Resolutions,” I’ve chosen a word for the year. I was inspired to do this by my longtime friend and schoolmate Katy Rose of ModlyChic who attests that choosing a word can be a great tool to frame the year ahead. Choosing to concentrate on a word for the year will help set my awareness in order to accomplish all my intentions, big or small.

My word for 2020 is “Listen”

This year, I’d like to focus on listening in three ways: listening to myself, listening to others, and listening to my surroundings.

Listen to Myself: Reflective Self-Care

When we listen to ourselves, we are reflecting on how we feel - mentally and physically. If I’m feeling really stressed out, I will most likely feel the effects of anxiety and stress in the form of hair loss, acne, or body aches and pains. Conversely, if I have a physical injury, then I’ll most likely suffer mentally as well.

Listening to our bodies and minds is at the heart of self-care

In my late teens and early 20s, I had some serious issues with eating. I went from a healthy weight to under 100 lbs in 12 months. It was really scary, and it was hard to stop the pounds from drifting off due to the strict rules I created for myself concerning food intake. I struggled for 10 years in order to be able to eat and drink in moderation.

For 2020, I vow to listen to myself in order to practice conscious consumption. To be mindful about what I eat or drink, or even how much data I consume, I have to check in with myself a lot. How am I feeling? How are my energy levels? Where is my head at? The answers to these questions can usually set me on the right course, or at least pinpoint my current state of mind/body.

There’s no way to really be finished with caring for ourselves - the process is lifelong and ongoing.

For any self-care concern, I’ve found that in order to really connect and listen to myself, I have to step back from whatever I’m doing and slow down. Then I can identify my feelings and define my thoughts so that I can find a remedy.

Listen to Others: Don’t Speak/Act Until Fully Informed

I know myself enough to be aware that I am slightly insecure. I have a tendency to crave acknowledgement and attention. I also have a great desire to create and leave my mark on the world. Often times, I’m so concerned with contributing that I jump in without taking the time to listen to what’s been done, what’s been said, or what’s already in place. Do you find that you do the same?

In order to proceed and achieve personally and professionally, we need to be able to listen.

Interestingly enough, listening is something I wanted my students to improve on when I was a high school teacher. During group discussions, I noticed that my students had trouble listening to others before chiming in. They didn’t fully recognize the contributions of their peers before making their own statements. This created discussions that were surface-level, stagnant, and repetitive. At the beginning of each semester, I took measures to ensure that my students were seeking the value behind others’ words before making judgments.

For 2020, I will work on listening because I fear I have fallen short of my own expectations for others. Therefore, I will strive to follow the following rules I set in place for my former students.

To listen well, there are three main things to keep in mind:

1. Wait until the other person is done speaking to make a respectful point.

2. Ask yourself what you can learn from the other person. Refrain from judging the speaker or zoning out during the delivery.

3. Maintain attention to the speaker. Show them you are listening with verbal or non-verbal affirmation, such as nod of the head, a smile, or mirroring the speaker’s expression.

Listen to My Surroundings: Seek Nature

I’ve always been an advocate of the healing powers of nature. Spending time in nature delivers a serenity and joy that isn’t able to be accessed in other areas of life. The sunlight shining through the trees, the wind playing with the cattails, the fresh air…these elements and others can “ease our stress and worry, help us to relax and to think more clearly. Being in nature can restore our mood, give us back our energy and vitality, refresh and rejuvenate us.”

Being in nature is the perfect way to practice listening.

Experiencing the natural world coaxes us to be silent in order to absorb nature’s gifts (there’s a reason that “Listen” and “Silent” share the same letters!). When our bodies and minds are silent, we see the clarity by which we actually exist and we can truly access our feelings.

Listening is an important skill

We hear what we listen for. In our current world inundated with social media and instant gratification, we stifle the need to tune into ourselves. Instead, we choose to tune out. Scrolling and binge-watching isn’t self-care. It’s self-sabotage. When we remove distractions, allow for silence, and give ourselves the chance to listen, we can reap the benefits of restoration, self-knowledge, and growth.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Did you make a resolution or choose a word for 2020? I’d love to hear your story.

Things We Are Never Meant to Know

#ThingsWeAreNeverMeantToKnow was trending on Twitter this month.

This phrase struck a chord in me. It was catchy. It was intriguing. It could very well be a bestseller with a trendy Darren Haggar cover at an airport Barnes & Noble.

#ThingsWeAreNeverMeantToKnow could mean many different things to different people. For many, the phrase could conjure things like “how I was conceived,” or “how many chemicals are leaching from my plastic water bottle into my drinking water,” or “how many people used this shopping cart before me.”

But, for me, #ThingsWeAreNeverMeantToKnow brings up something totally different.

I believe that there are things that we are never meant to know. I think that we need to force ourselves to remain “in the dark” with regards to certain things. No, I don’t believe in ignorance — I don’t think we should choose to remain oblivious in the face of scientific knowledge.

I believe in the practice of protecting ourselves from too much information.

As an aspiring Minimalist, I take measures to filter out unnecessary things from my life. I curate my phone apps to only the essentials. I get rid of one item of clothing for each new item I purchase. I buy only what our family will eat at the store, and I try to stick to one task or hobby at a time, instead of multitasking.

I filter out the essential from the “too much.”

Below are some examples of my sources of “too much.” Maybe you can relate?

1. I’m often overwhelmed by the internet. I’m not a good “browser” so I have to limit myself to certain sites only. Bookmarks come in handy here.

2. When visiting a library or a bookstore, I have to focus on finding one book - pre-researched and pre-selected - or else I mentally crumble under the massive weight of the millions of books in front of me.

3. I can’t go to large grocery stores. There are just too many products! I prefer going to smaller grocery stores where there are only one or two types of ketchup, instead of 21.

4. When I look up at the night sky, I’m overcome by the fact that each star is the center of its own solar system, and that I’m just a tiny speck of dust on a planet within one of those systems. I can’t cope with the reality that I’m basically inconsequential, so I don’t allow myself drift into existentialist thought too often.

5. Being the mother of a toddler, I always keep my eye open for things that could ignite a tantrum. Therefore, I try to keep a tidy home and store all the “trigger” items away (computer mice, measuring tape, compelling kitchen tools, phones, and other personal technology.) I also keep my son’s toys and books organized, and only have a small amount available for him.

“Too much” can be mentally and physically damaging.

All day long we encounter data. We are offered more TV channels, more sources of celebrity gossip, and more products promising happiness and everlasting youth than ever before. We are persuaded to “Netflix and Chill” in our downtime. Binge-watching has been normalized. Even Disney tells us it’s OK. 

Society says: “You always must be ‘plugged in’.”

To use the language of this digital age, people only have so much bandwidth. When offered too much data, or irrelevant data, our systems can overload resulting in errors. These errors reveal themselves in the form of anxiety, attention deficit disorders, stress, trauma, and a variety of physical ailments. We have to learn how much data we can personally compute, and filter out the rest so that it becomes white noise in the background.

But, how do we know what to ignore?

How can we protect ourselves?

I’ve found that moderation is the key to success. Drastic measures like cutting out TV entirely, placing extreme limits on screen-time, and blocking certain websites can always be reversed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve deleted and then added the Facebook app to my phone.

Changing our habits with regards to managing digital information is the key to lasting change. Here are some tips!

1. Place a blocker on your computer’s Facebook feed. The one for Chrome is called Newsfeed Eradicator, and you can find it here. This way you can check Facebook, but not be devoured by the bottomless pit that is the Newsfeed. Alternatively, you can bookmark your “pages feed” to show only the pages and groups you follow, bypassing your Newsfeed altogether.

2. Unfollow people and pages that don’t serve you. In the natural world, people and acquaintances come into our lives for a reason, and leave in the same way. We are never meant to know what our friends are doing all the time. By unfollowing, we can protect ourselves from the danger of comparison; additionally, we can also conserve energy wasted on things that we were never meant to know, such as “what route did John take for his morning jog yesterday?” This frees up mental capacity to use for the things that matter most.

3. Unsubscribe from email lists. You can usually do this from your email client. I’m “old-school” and use Hotmail where it’s easy to filter out unnecessary subscriptions.

4. Avoid unnecessary sources of celebrity news and gossip. We are never meant to know what Chrissy Teigan is cooking. She’s great, and her kids are super cute, but we shouldn’t have to create a spot in our brains to log her family’s activities, although she wants you to.

5. Place realistic limits on social media time. This can be tough if your job requires a social media presence. My current conundrum is Instagram. Instagram Stories offer a big distraction to users, since it isn’t necessary to toggle or scroll to the next story. They just keep on going! Is there a way to block the steady stream of stories? If you know the answer, please share in the comments.

There really are #ThingsWeAreNeverMeantToKnow. Aside from how many microscopic organisms are living in our living room carpets, there are other intangible things we don’t need to be aware of. Too much unnecessary data consumption can disrupt our lives, steer us away from our goals, and make life harder. When we practice self control, moderation, and cultivate good habits around data consumption, we can more easily live our lives and achieve our goals.

Letting go, with love

Last month, I found a new home for my best friend.

On a Wednesday evening, I took Chauncey across the street to our neighbors’ house. I brought along his crate, a few toys, and some food. We sat at the table discussing Chauncey’s personality and care while he frantically located all the tennis balls under the couch.

It was meant to be a trial weekend to see if he got along with their pack: two dogs, three cats, two humans.

Things I probably said: He eats 1.5 cups of food a day. You’ll know he’s happy when he’s play-bowing and talking and wagging his tail of course. He sleeps most of the day. He’s very vocal. He loves tennis balls: he plays this game with himself where he balances the ball between his snout and front paws, and chases the ball when it gets away from him. He likes to cuddle.

Things I don’t remember saying: I love you. You are an amazing dog. You taught me so much. I’m going to miss you. Goodbye, old friend.

The trial was a complete success - he was quickly and lovingly welcomed into the fold.

Since then, I’ve developed a habit of peering at my neighbor’s house every chance I can get. I can just make out their backyard from the baby’s room. I can see their front door from my office window. I can’t help it.

How are you, old friend? Are you happy again?

Chauncey was my very first dog and only dog.

When he was just 8 weeks old, I whisked Chauncey away from a ramshackle, urine-stained house in Kankakee, Illinois to my tiny grad school apartment in the hills West of Boston. Three years later, he moved with me to a two-bedroom apartment near downtown Evanston. After that, we ended up on the shores of Lake Michigan. Then, to a rural llama farm in Colorado. And now, 8 years after moving Chauncey from Kankakee, we now live in suburban Fort Collins.

I took him everywhere I could.

He’d sit in the passenger seat, with his head out the window, and sometimes he’d get spooked by some passersby and try to crawl in my lap even though he was too big. Everyday, we walked almost 3 miles. I’d release him in the sands of Lake Michigan, and he spent hours digging holes and playing with his ball.

On winter walks, his little paws would get cold and he’d hop around on three legs, waving the injured appendage at me. I’d scoop him up, all 33 lbs of him, and walk a few blocks, massaging the hurt paw with my mitten.

Last year, he overheated on a longer hike through Prairie Ridge, and I carried him 2 miles home. I was 32 weeks pregnant with my son, Miles.  

Miles was born in May of 2018. Chauncey observed from the sidelines as the baby began to change into a tiny mobile human.

Miles and Chauncey seemed to live in relative harmony at first. Miles took very little notice of Chauncey; Chauncey basically ignored Miles.

Gradually, Chauncey begin to show signs of jealousy and distress.

He anxiously dealt with the reduced attention he received from me, and he began retreating into corners, under beds, and in heaps of freshly washed laundry. He also began to wedge himself between Miles and me at every chance he got. When Miles began crawling, Chauncey’d tip-toe around him with his fur arched, his tail erect. He seemed at attention, ready to snap. I found myself greatly fearing Chauncey’s future hypothetical actions. I’d seen him bare his teeth and respond viciously to dogs (and people) who he perceived as a threat to his existence.

I spent my days policing Chauncey and Miles, trying to keep both of them safe from harm. In love, I tried to reduce the anxiety that plagued Chauncey caused by the unpredictable nature of a baby. I tried to keep Miles away from him at all times. The effort took a toll on me. I knew I wouldn’t always be there to separate the two of them. It made me incredibly nervous and stressed. My autoimmune disease began flaring up. I began to experience the familiar lower and upper back stiffness and slight sciatica associated with my ankylosing spondylitis, which had been in remission since moving to Fort Collins in 2017.

I began to think the worst of my sweet dog.

I used to think the best of him.

Of course, I looked into hiring a trainer. I mulled over putting Chauncey in doggy-boot camp or taking him to a behaviorist. I posted on Facebook forums and solicited advice from reputable sources. I tried anti-anxiety remedies and treats laced with CBD. Friends gave me their educated recommendations. I just wanted him to “get better” and to love the baby! I saw photos of my friends’ dogs giving their babies kisses, and cuddling with the babies, and letting the babies ride them.

Chauncey could “get better,” right?

However, as much training as we might try, I had to face the true reality: I had very little time for Chauncey. I couldn’t give him all the attention he was used to: I was simply satisfying his very basic needs and could do nothing really more than that. Food, water, shelter, walks. Not a lot of playtime. Very few snuggles. It wasn’t fair to him. And he was reacting to the changes, showing me that something needed to be done. Chauncey needed more than I could give.

I know I can no longer give Chauncey what I used to, but I needed to pay tribute to our history, and honor what he’s given me.

I’d tearfully remember our happy memories together when I’d see him curled up on the nursing chair, his favorite sleeping spot. He chose this chair because it was mine. He knew I’d return to it eventually. And this made me so sad. He’d sometimes bring a toy to the far end of the room, position his body towards mine, place the toy between his paws, and whine at me. But I couldn’t always play, and it broke my heart.

Caring for Chauncey made me who I am today.

Chauncey came into my life at a time when I needed to learn how to unconditionally love another living being. He also taught me the true meaning of responsibility, commitment, patience, and loyalty. Walking him daily kept me outside and active, and helped me become more comfortable with making new friends: there’s something about having dogs that makes it easier to talk to people. He kept me in check - I had to plan my outings responsibly, and couldn’t stay out late at night since there was a little pupper waiting for me at home. Chauncey always came first, and I thrived as his dog-momma.

Now, things are different. I know I can no longer give Chauncey what I used to, but I needed to pay tribute to our history, and honor what he’s given me. I have to come to terms with the changes in our family. It’s wrong of me to hang on to Chauncey just because of our past. Such a beautiful past, but that was then. And now Chauncey deserves better than what I can give him. He needs a friend, someone who can learn and grow with him for years to come. Someone who can give him more than the minimum.

I have to come to terms with the changes in our family.

After deliberating for months about what to do, trying my hardest to give Chauncey love and attention, and working with him on getting used to Miles, my neighbors came out of nowhere with open arms and hearts. Even though they already had 5 animals, they wanted my old friend to join the pack.

It takes love to let go when you want to hold on.

I know deeply that Jennifer and Shelly will provide a happy, safe, and warm home for Chauncey. I can rest assured that I’ll be able to see him as often as I’d like, knowing he’s just across the street. One of these days, I’ll knock on the door, and be greeted by my happy, bouncy fur-baby, and all will be forgiven.

I love you. You are an amazing dog. You taught me so much, and you have so much left to give. I’m going to miss you. Goodbye, old friend.